They say parenthood doesn’t come with a manual but I wish it did. You can read
all the books, ask all your friends and family about everything under the sun.
You can feel so prepared and ready to tackle it with thoughts of “I’ve survived
on 2hours of sleep before, it shouldn’t be that hard” only to get slapped in
the face with a huge serving of reality and you soon realize you have no idea
what you’re doing or how you’re going to survive.
I am a creature of routine, organization, schedules,
planning out the day, knowing what’s coming down the line and being all ready
for it when it does. I find joy in being prepared and organized. But nothing
can prepare you for motherhood. When they hand you that baby your world
changes. Routine goes out the window. Organization goes out the door. Schedules
and planning take to the streets and you are left high and dry with a newborn
who eats, sleeps, poops all willy nilly and could care less what you’re doing
or what you thought you would accomplish.
My first two days with Audra were spent in the hospital. A
place where if the nurse heard her fussing for too long would come in and help
or give advice. It was great but can easily set you up for failure when you get
home because she will just cry and cry and all you can do is try and figure out
what she wants and yes..sometimes you just cry along with her. The next 5 days
of life with a newborn are at this point still fresh enough to remember but
soon will become a blur. I was terrified driving home from the hospital knowing
that in the morning my husband would go off to work and I was left at home with
this child who relied on me for everything. I thought I knew what to expect.
Turns out I knew much less than I thought.
How many diapers are
you seriously going to go thru? Our trick is to feed her (we are
exclusively breastfeeding) on one side and then just when she falls asleep we
change her diaper to wake her up enough to nurse on the other side. Then oh
look a nice new fresh diaper, I think I’ll go poop now. You’re welcome mom.
Spit-up is expected.
The 2am projectile spit-ups are my “favorite”. That whole 3 minutes we spent
feeding you is now all over my lap and your sleeper. Well sorry to break it to
you but we’re just wiping that mess up and we’ll change our clothes in the
morning.
Spit-up is also
celebrated. If you’ve been fussy for 2 hours straight and nothing is really
working just puke. Puke it all up and you’ll be fine. (This happened the other
night and I was never so happy to have her spit-up. Luckily I had thought to
put a towel under her head so it did not ruin the bed spread.)
A sleeping baby wipes
away all anxiety it took to get there. I may have just spent 2 hours
playing feed, burp, change, rock, feed, change, feed, burp roulette and I’m
exhausted and you’re wide awake. But when you’re eyes finally close and you’re
breathing goes from normal to deep sleep…my mind just feels so free.
Little victories are
huge. Momma got a nap in today – little victory. Audra did not scream when
I changed her diaper or clothes – little victory. Momma was able to shower (and
shave her legs!) while daddy held and talked to you – little victory. Audra
slept for 3 hours straight at night – little victory.
Now as I write this we have hit the 2 week mark. The famous “it’ll
get better and easier” 2 weeks. I had this little milestone in my sites since
we came home. And now that we are here I have to say at times it’s a bit easier
but that is only because I have a slightly better idea of what I’m doing. It
still gives me anxiety when she cries and I have no idea why. I still have a
fear that as soon as I lay her down she will wake up or that any little sound
will wake her. But we take it day by day. I have been so incredibly blessed by
family and friends who have made meals for us or who have taken Audra so I
could get a nap or just cry myself and collect my thoughts. I have learned
something about myself in these last 2 weeks – ask for help and take it when it’s
offered. Like I said in the beginning I am the kind that likes to be prepared
so I was planning to just go thru all of this on my own so to speak because “I
am woman, hear my roar” and I was made for this and I can do it and I don’t
need that much help; but help was offered and I took it every time I felt the
need to and I don’t regret it.
So 2 weeks down and mornings are a bit brighter around here.
It’s still frigid outside which makes it hard to go anywhere. I did get out
yesterday morning just to drive around and it was wonderful. The sanity was
restored for sure. These have been the hardest most sleep-deprived 14 days of
my entire life. The baby blues hit me so hard, when your “milk comes in” it’s
no joke how bad it hurts, more than 3 hours of sleep in a row is a luxury but
this is life with a newborn and before I know it we’ll be celebrating her first
birthday and I’ll probably just cry that it went so fast.
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