Monday morning my husband left for California. Desert training. 6 weeks of it. How miserable.
Miserable might be a strong word for me. It's more of lonely, bored, silent, and too much tv. Which to some people might be considered miserable. I don't so much mind it but I don't prefer it if that makes any sense. I count my blessings because we have had regular contact via Facebook and calls/texts but that doesn't make up for the fact that he is gone from my side. Some may find me strong for going through this with a smile on my face. In this world, as a military wife you have to be strong. You have to keep standing even when all you want to do is cry and eat brownies. I, personally, don't feel strong.
I cry every time he leaves. I cry when he's gone. I cry when he returns. When a song reminds me of him, when a movie reminds me of him, when a joke reminds me of him, when a meal reminds me of him I (most of the time) cry. Yes I'm a sentimental person and I cry easily and often. This is why I do not find myself strong. Those other wives who you'd never think are struggling are strong. The ones that don't sit at home every night finding new shows on Netflix to watch or bake everything in their cupboards to avoid boredom - they are strong. I am not. On a recent coffee date with a woman who I admire almost as much as my own mother we spoke about this and she considered me seasoned instead of strong. Seasoned is another word for prepared and ready for anything. I guess I would have to agree with her because really, how much say do I have for things the military has my husband do? None. Zilch. Squatty squat squat.
Maybe because the image of strong to me means nothing shakes you. Nothing. When your shaken to your core you just strap on another rope and hang on. But when I'm shaken I fall and curl into the fetal position and cry. I don't just stand there and take it, I give up. Maybe being a Planner this is part of my plan. I let myself fall and cry and then when its over I get back up and carry on. Strong people don't fall and cry, they brave the storm and carry on. To me, in my eyes this would never work. Crying helps me cope and recover. It brings new light new... well...yeah maybe new strength. Woah. Total mind blowing going on over here. So maybe I get a little stronger every time I cry and break apart. But I still don't consider myself strong. Maybe because if I ever become strong I feel I will have a cold heart and nothing will shake me and being shaken keeps me grounded...are you getting the mental image here? Where is this coming from?
I guess to wrap up my rambling I am seasoned because I let myself get shaken by this military life's experiences. I gain strength to carry on because I lift myself back up. I have a plan to recover but it first involves me breaking. But all of this doesn't make me strong.
Thanks for reading.
As for the coffee in my cup it was Italian Roast yesterday and this morning it was Tiramisu from Archer Farms - a Christmas present!
