Confessions of a first time mom

After my last post held a decent amount of no-holds-bar honesty I figured I could do a confessions post and really let all  most of it hang out and seeing as I'm only 7 weeks into this "mommyhood" thing I know there will be more than one of these type posts.

Confession #1 I still have no idea what I'm doing most of the time.
Everyday is different. I like to pretend I call the shots in this mommy/baby relationship but let's be honest...she's the queen bee around here.

Confession #2 Mommy brain is real
The other day I totally went to put her in the back of the car...on the wrong side. I forget to button her onesie before I put her pants on more times then I can count.

Confession #3 Crying contests happen
Sometimes when she cries and I've tried everything to get her to stop and nothing works? I just cry along with her. When you can't beat 'em, join em right?

Confession #4 Being honest
Along with confession #3 when she cries and I have no idea why I will sometimes just hold her up and say "I have no idea what you want and it's completely frustrating me"

Confession #5 Complimenting it all
I compliment her burps, her farts, her spit ups, her long sleeps, and her feeds. Anything that she does well I say "hey good job" or "thank you, that made mommy happy". I know it has no affect on anything she does but it helps me feel like a better mom.

Confession #6 What calories?
They say a breastfeeding mom can burn some 500 calories a day just by feeding her baby. Sometimes I use this as an excuse to have a DQ Blizzard or a croissant donut. Don't judge.

Confession #7 Routine schmoutine
I confess I still hope there will be a routine eventually. I guess right now (on a good day) she naps 3 times a day. On a bad day...forget about it. Nights are somewhat predictable with a longer stretch at first, eat an hour, sleep two hours, up for a quick feed and then sleep until 7am. (no matter what she is up at 7am)

Confession #8 Sleep
I still feel like I haven't caught up on sleep. From the day I delivered I feel like I've been hours and hours behind on sleep. I figured I'll either loose hope that I'll ever get caught up or I'll finally be caught up by the time she graduates high school

Confession #9 Going to the Dr's is overwhelming
It's not the physical aspect of getting out the door and to the Dr's office. It's the fact that I feel like I need to be prepared for it like a final exam in college. What is her routine like? How many diapers in a day? How often does she eat? She needs these vitamins and those vitamins. Get her in the sunshine. Tummy time 8 times a day, Yes I'm with her 24/7 but between keeping myself sane and keeping her alive I cannot know every exact detail of her right now. Am I alone?

Confession #10 Snuggles are worth it.
The other night she was successfully falling asleep in her crib for the first time and I thought "OK this works to put her to sleep, I'll take her out and snuggle her for a few more minutes". That kind of bit me in the butt because then she woke back up and didn't go to sleep for another 40 minutes but those snuggles? Totally worth it.


So those are my first 10 confessions of being a new mom. I have no idea if I'm the only one who has dealt with these or if their all normal but this child is definitely keeping me on my toes and humble. Some days it's as if I'm reading her mind and the day is a piece of cake. The other days I feel like "whose child is this? I have no idea what she needs!" So cheers to all those mommies who live every day in the trenches of mommahood just trying to make it through. Whether you are a first time momma or a seasoned veteran let us support those mommas around us with a high five and a "I feel ya sister" attitude.

Finding Joy

I’m not sure what has inspired this post more; the Facebook group I joined a few weeks ago about moms who share their joy or need for joy, OR the fact that Audra got the monumental 5-hour stretch of sleep last night. I just couldn’t believe it! But the other morning before the sun was up I was feeding and holding Audra and this feeling washed over me. Joy. I was sitting there smelling of soured milk, with greasy hair, unshaven dry legs, sleep deprived and a baby painfully sucking on me (yes sometimes it still hurts) and I was happy. I was undoubtedly full of so much joy. It was at that point I realized I made it.

The past 6 weeks have been a blur as you have read in my last entries. No sleep. Fussy baby. Baby blues. No sleep. Pain from recovery. Breastfeeding problems out to wazoo and oh yeah..no sleep. There were so many times I wanted to quit. I wanted to quit breastfeeding and switch to formula because I knew she would sleep longer. I wanted to quit my wife duties because I had no energy. And to be honest with you I wanted to quit being a mom. But I was called back from these depths by the Good Lord who reminded me that I asked for this child. I prayed for years for this child. I knew in the depths of my heart I was made to be a mom. I cried every week of my pregnancy that I was finally getting a child. And yet there I was with a child who wouldn’t stop crying thinking how I would just love to quit. I will have you know that I have not hit that quitting mind set in a few days now. I feel like I’ve finally hit a mark where I feel like a mom. I don’t feel like this person who is getting the life sucked out of them by a child who is living just to make me miserable. I feel like a mom who is trying her best. Reaching her edge but not going over it. Making it all work the best I can. I feel like I can do this now.

This mom stuff is hard stuff but I’m getting better and better at dealing with it. I don’t strive to be a perfect mom or even a mom who wants the world to perceive she has it all together. I don’t have it all together. The other day – I never changed my pants. A whole 36hours went by before I changed from one pair of Yoga pants to a new pair. But I kept this baby alive. I’m learning her cues. I’m learning how to console her. I’m learning that gas drops are my new best friend. I’m learning that sleep is still a luxury but 4am snuggles won’t last forever. I’m learning to ease up on myself. I’m learning that “mothers intuition” is real yo. I’m learning that eating a meal without holding her or feeding her is still a ways away but come dinner time we’ve got a system in place. And when all else fails and the day just falls apart, I don’t leave the couch because she won’t stop eating, I forget to brush my teeth and dinner is a bowl of cereal I know that I have lived another day and learned a few more things about this baby and about myself. I’m finding joy that I’m making progress. I’m surviving. And I have a child who now sort of kind of if-shes-in-the-mood, smiles at me and that..makes it all worth it.

 

Audra's first playdate!

A kodak moment indeed!

Moby wrap wearing!

"Eye" hope you have a good weekend!

One Month In

It seems we have finally hit the one month mark – Happy one month my sweet girl!

Every single day up until this point has seemed to drag by. The nights were so long. The fussy, crabby, crying fits were so loud. The diapers were so many. But one month in and we’ve survived. Lord only knows how but we did. Of course looking back now it seems to have gone by fast but I assure you when I was in the trenches on the edge of losing it did not fly by. There were days I would count down the minutes and seconds until my husband got home or until my sister in law would arrive for back up. Every night at 4am when she wakes I would pray that she would just go back to sleep and not need me. And during those 4am feedings I would have to fight sleep so hard but then I’d get back to bed and my mind wouldn’t shut off. Feeding her has been admittedly a wild ride. A ride I’d love to give up my ticket for if I wasn’t so adamant about getting to the “it gets easier” point. Part of me looks back and goes “gosh where did the time go?” and part of me goes “sweet I made it this far…high five self” I’ve done enough looking back in my recent posts so I’m going to look forward in this one.

I look forward to Summer. I cannot wait for her to be older with the warm weather. Dipping her toes in the water at the beach, going for walks at the local college, eating “solid” foods, wearing cute dresses. Summer had better get here quickly.

I look forward to seeing Audra change in appearance as well as develop a personality. The jury is still out on who she looks like and I cannot wait to see her features further develop. She has started to coo here and there (specifically to one purple butterfly on her play mat) and I cannot wait for those coos to become responsive to being spoken to.

I look forward to her first Christmas. I know…were only in February, but I’m still really looking forward to gaining new traditions and partaking in old ones with her. Christmas Eve couch pictures with one more little person on the couch? Yes please!

I look forward to mommy-and-me day dates. I know how much I enjoy doing things with my own mother and now I get to do them with MY daughter. My heart is so anxious!

Last but not least, I look forward to sleep. Word is, she will eventually sleep a good part of the night. 6-7 hours straight? Sign me up! I do know however, when those nights come I will look back at our 4am groggy feedings and cry over how we don’t cuddle in the dark anymore. But more sleep will be a wonderful thing!

So one month in and many more months to go. I feel ready for those months. I survived the hardest, longest, sleepiest month of my life and it’s made me the mom I am today and I look forward to the mom I’ll be a year from now.

And let's just take a moment and celebrate the fact that I had time to paint my toes last week...I never knew something so small and simple would be such a luxury!

The adventures of breastfeeding

I have finally gotten some time to myself. As I write this Audra is falling asleep in her swing

and I’m sipping a lukewarm, very weak cup of coffee. Little victories.

This post is mainly for my own benefit in terms of breastfeeding. I wanted to write this up so I can look back one day and hopefully see improvement. Breastfeeding is absolutely so hard the first time around. I was naïve going into it. I thought, “hey I’ve got the equipment and baby already knows how to suck, how hard can it be??” Plus there was the other side of the coin – saving money on not having to buy formula.

My very first moment of breastfeeding was immediately after she was born. I was very scared that if she latched wrong that would set us up for months of headaches. Even in my extremely exhausted state of mind I was still conscious of “I want to do this right from the beginning”. So I asked the nurse if she was latched right and she assured me it was “perfection”. Happy me. So after all was said and done with my delivery and stitching up etc. I went to nurse her again and once again – success. I even remembered to time each feeding and she was clocking them at 45 minutes for one side and a half hour for the other – “man we are total Rock stars Audra, this nursing thing is going great girl!” Well that was my last moments of happiness for nursing for a long time. After that Audra had grown to favor the right breast which she went to immediately after birth. She would not latch on my left no matter what we did. This continued for 24hours. It only caused anxiety every time I had to nurse her. Her nursing time got shorter and shorter. She still refused my left side. After we had tried everything the nurses could think of they finally told me to pump just to get things going and maybe that will help her to latch. I pumped and I cried. I cried big heavy fat tears as I sat there feeling like I already failed and I hadn’t even left the hospital. “How could I have thought I was a rock star at this? And now look at me, pumping like a big loser”. Those days in the hospital were the worst for nursing. Every nurse that came in asked how it was going, how long she was feeding for, how long since she fed, and every other question. Then they proceeded to tell me how to improve it – and wouldn’t you know it – their advice was different from the past 4 nurses that rotated into my room. Luckily we headed home and I was able to relax which helped Audra to relax. Nursing slightly improved for a brief moment.

Fast forward to now – almost 4 weeks in and I am finally starting to understand breastfeeding. The past 4 weeks have been filled with engorgement, fussiness, a million nursing positions, feeding sessions that maxed out at 10 minutes if we were feeling lucky and still a fussy baby. After much headache I met with a lactation consultant who informed me that 1. She was getting plenty to eat and 2. She was having such trouble because of my fast flow. So with that we left her office with some tactics to, once again, become rock stars at breastfeeding.

It has been a week and a half since we met with the lactation lady. Since then I have tried all the tricks she gave me but things are still really rough. Audra all of a sudden started getting these huge deep-as-the-ocean burps and after she nursed she would be uncomfortable and fussy for hours. She would want to continue to eat but couldn’t latch. She was super tired but every time I laid her down the burp would come back with a vengeance. We were down to one nap a day and that only last an hour or two at most. Then she would still wake up super fussy. I lost my cool many times during these fussy times. The whole “lay them down and walk away to collect yourself” trick? I’ve done that more times than I can count. I reached out to friends, Facebook groups, Dr. Google and any other form of answers as to what I can do about this baby. I attended a La Leche League meeting which I had to leave early because Audra was so uncomfortable and I in turn ended up crying because she was crying. Loser moment #2. After I left the meeting I returned home, dropped the baby at the door and told my husband I’m going to buy gripe water. This was almost my last straw. It worked but the very next day she was fussy yet again. I tried to give her gas drops before feeding but that didn’t help. I was once again pulling out my hair. This is when I decided to give her a bottle of formula and see if there was a difference in her behavior. Sure enough there was a difference. She ate, burped and was really content. She even took a 4 hour nap. After that she went on a walk with Aunt Jackie and her cousins while I took a nap. That evening I gave her a bottle of breastmilk and noticed a difference as well. It seemed that the bottle works and so does my left side. These are both huge pluses. The downside is my right side flows at warp speed – which she cannot handle. I’m hoping that it will calm down at 8 weeks or before so that I can once again nurse on that side.

Since then we’ve settled on a new routine that may change by this time next week but for now we go with the flow (wow pun Unintended!) and flow is having me only nurse her on my left side and then I pump my right since she cannot seem to nurse on my right side no matter what I do. Then the milk I get from my right side I will freeze except for that which goes in a bottle. She will get a bottle each night before bed – this allows me to see how much she’s getting and make sure she’s getting enough to keep her tummy full for a few hours of sleep.

Anyway, that’s my story. 4 weeks of breastfeeding craziness but I’ve survived. And YOU survived reading it…maybe. So let’s reward you with some pictures of my little. 

Happy Friday Friends. Do something fabulous this weekend!