Brewing Agape: If I Knew Now What I Didn't Know Then

The past month I've found myself in reflection a lot. Mainly in part because Facebook's "On This Day" posts and every week I see a blog post or a picture I posted last year. I go back and read them and just think about what crazy crying-filled days those were. I was also scrolling through videos and pictures of Audra on my phone with my mom the other day and while watching one video of 2 month old Audra kicking and babbling my mom says to me "see...you made it." So I thought I'd do a post about things I would go back and say to myself a year ago when I was in the thick of it or things I wish I would have done that other people told me to do.

1. Stop and Breathe
Oh my gosh this is just something I wish I did more of this during those first months. I was so consumed by this baby who ~~changed~~ controlled my life completely that I barely stopped to just breathe.

2. Dinner doesn't HAVE to be done at 5 on the dot
I was so worried that my husband would think less of me if I didn't have dinner ready to eat when he got home that I ran myself ragged sometimes stressing about what I could make with one hand and would it be more nutritious than a bowl of cereal? I also felt like a failure because I was not that Pinterest-perfect first time mom who spent the last 3 months of her pregnancy making meals to freeze and pull out when baby arrived.

3. It's ok if the baby stays in pajamas all day
Don't get me wrong Audra stayed in sleepers all day for the first 3 months. But I was under the impression that at exactly 4 months and beyond she was no longer technically a newborn so she had to be dressed each day in a matching outfit. Yes even though we saw no one except each other for days, her outfits had to be matching. And when we went out in public she had to also have a cute headband on that matched and accented her outfit. Seriously? Why was I so worried about people seeing her in pajamas? Babies in pajamas are so gosh darn cute!

4. Lower your gosh darn expectations
I expected it to get easier when people said it would. It didn't.
I expected Audra to sleep like Google said she should. She didn't
I expected to loose weight like the books said I would. I didn't
I expected my husband to bring me home flowers every day because I was an awesome mom. He didn't
I expected to have an easy to follow schedule. We didn't
I expected that she would love eating solid foods and would wean easily. She didn't

5. You will miss this
You know I wished those days away so hard in the beginning. I just wanted time to myself. I just wanted sleep. I just wanted a clean house and dishes that would clean themselves. I just wanted to be an all-star mom who never got frazzled. I just wanted her to let me put her down so I could make dinner. I need to continue to look back and see how fast that year went and I am making more of an effort to soak up these days we are currently in because they too will be gone before I know it.
In the middle of washing dishes and Audra wants to read a book? Ok, stop, sit down and read a book with her. She wants me to just hold her so she can point and talk about all the things she sees? Hold her and talk back. She wants to explore the yard and put rocks in her mouth? Fine, go girl. (To a point of course).

If I could just go back and give myself a pep talk it would probably be something like this. "Honey, just take care of your baby and everything else will just fall into place. Nurse her more because it will be gone one day and you will cry. Believe me, you will. You are doing awesome even when you feel like you're failing. You will loose it a lot. And that is ok. All that baby needs is you. You're life will even out and you will soon be able to leave her with daddy and go do stuff by yourself but you have to wait for that. And trust me, when you get out you'll be so happy to get back to her and see her run to you, arms up ready to be picked up and hugged. This first year is so tough but you will make it through and you'll wish for it back".

Some random photos from January.