*The following post was written on Audra's first birthday last month but I am just now posting it and adding to it a little at the end.*
Let's see if I get through this post without stopping to wipe tears from my eyes.
A year ago today I came home with a brand new baby. I cried the whole way home so scared for what lay ahead. Not just the next few months but the next morning when Jonathan would go to work and it was just me and her all day. I struggled day and night to adjust with lack of sleep and the smell of spoiled milk on my shoulder, arms and legs. I cried at least 3 times a day. Ok maybe more. I begged to go back to life before her. I begged for time to fast forward to those moments that people told me it would get easier by. I never wanted to quit anything so hard in my life as I wanted to quit nursing her. I never knew how I would survive. I just knew if I made it until the time Jonathan would come home from work or until my sister-in-law would come over with dinner I would be OK. That first week where I was barely coherent or able to sit without immense pain seems so long ago. Those days as tough and humbling and horrible as they seemed are just a faint memory and sometimes I wish I could go back. I know right? Never saw that coming.
*cue the tears*
The weeks and months that follower brought smiles, coos, babbles, rolling overs and grabbing. Nursing got easier at exactly 11 weeks. I hope I never forget the pride I felt when I made it that far and realized she could actually burp on her own and she nursed properly. I hope I never forget the pride I felt when I made it to this one year mark of nursing. That was my goal. If I wasn't "allowed" to quit that I had to make it to a year before stopping. And I made it. We made it. I love the bond we have because of it.
I would like to share a snippet of something I wrote on my phone to Audra when she was 8 weeks old. I had a lot on my heart the one day and decided instead of showering, napping, eating or cleaning I would type out my heart's words.
"...We've only known each other for 2 months but it feels like it's been 2 years. These 8 weeks have been the longest most humbling of my life. I have lived 30 years where my only priority was myself and now my life is all about you. Nights and days blur together without end. I wish longingly for space from you but when I get it I can't help but crave you again. This hold you have on me child? This is true love."
As we fast forward through Audra's first Spring where we would spend time outside everyday. She went from laying on a blanket to sitting to crawling off the blanket. Then to standing while holding on to walking away. Summer brought Audra's first fireworks, first time to the beach, first ice cream, and wearing nothing but a romper. Seriously I could stare at her in a romper all day. Summer ended and Fall began. Our time outside was shortly filled with walks in the stroller but when it became colder we couldn't go outside as much. Winter began and getting up when the sun wasn't
even up yet was my least favorite thing of the day but getting to your room and seeing you standing there with a smile ready to start your day made it worth it. I could be in the worst mood but if I walked in and saw her smiling face my heart would soften and immediately felt nothing but gratefulness.
It has definitely been a year to remember and I don't know if I'll ever understand how I made it except with all the family surrounding me. I would have not made it this far without all of them.
And lastly to my Audra Lynn. I don't want a day to go by without seeing your smile and hearing your laugh and feeling your hugs. I want to teach you everything you could possibly learn. I want you to grow in the Lord stronger than I. I want you to know you will always have my heart. You will always be my little girl and I cannot be more blessed to be your momma.
In quick addition to those two girls at my meeting last night I reminded them that they are amazing and doing an awesome job. The one girl broke down in tears (exactly me a year ago) because being a mom is way harder than she ever thought. This probably scared the momma-to-be that was across from her in the circle and due in 4 weeks. The other girl was complete opposite. She was confident in holding and rocking her newborn. She was not rattled by anything. She had this mom-thing in the bag and oh how I wish I was more like here when Audra was 5 weeks old.
This just shows that every new mom is different. Every veteran mom is different. We're raising our babies in the circus of life. Trying to soak up every cuddle and wish away every tantrum. Secretly dreading the day when they get the keys and drive away to more independence. Heck I secretly dread the day Audra can buckle herself in her car seat even though I equally hate the struggle it brings right now.
I was talking to the Dr. at my appointment yesterday (sore throat that I'm certain will never go away) and he congratulated me on getting through the first year of motherhood. I needed that congratulations more than I realized. So if someone hasn't said it to you lately, congratulations on getting through the past year of motherhood. The last month of motherhood. The last hour of motherhood. Though the days drag by they are also flying by at the same rate. Soak em up.
I would like to share a snippet of something I wrote on my phone to Audra when she was 8 weeks old. I had a lot on my heart the one day and decided instead of showering, napping, eating or cleaning I would type out my heart's words.
"...We've only known each other for 2 months but it feels like it's been 2 years. These 8 weeks have been the longest most humbling of my life. I have lived 30 years where my only priority was myself and now my life is all about you. Nights and days blur together without end. I wish longingly for space from you but when I get it I can't help but crave you again. This hold you have on me child? This is true love."
As we fast forward through Audra's first Spring where we would spend time outside everyday. She went from laying on a blanket to sitting to crawling off the blanket. Then to standing while holding on to walking away. Summer brought Audra's first fireworks, first time to the beach, first ice cream, and wearing nothing but a romper. Seriously I could stare at her in a romper all day. Summer ended and Fall began. Our time outside was shortly filled with walks in the stroller but when it became colder we couldn't go outside as much. Winter began and getting up when the sun wasn't
It has definitely been a year to remember and I don't know if I'll ever understand how I made it except with all the family surrounding me. I would have not made it this far without all of them.
And lastly to my Audra Lynn. I don't want a day to go by without seeing your smile and hearing your laugh and feeling your hugs. I want to teach you everything you could possibly learn. I want you to grow in the Lord stronger than I. I want you to know you will always have my heart. You will always be my little girl and I cannot be more blessed to be your momma.
In quick addition to those two girls at my meeting last night I reminded them that they are amazing and doing an awesome job. The one girl broke down in tears (exactly me a year ago) because being a mom is way harder than she ever thought. This probably scared the momma-to-be that was across from her in the circle and due in 4 weeks. The other girl was complete opposite. She was confident in holding and rocking her newborn. She was not rattled by anything. She had this mom-thing in the bag and oh how I wish I was more like here when Audra was 5 weeks old.
This just shows that every new mom is different. Every veteran mom is different. We're raising our babies in the circus of life. Trying to soak up every cuddle and wish away every tantrum. Secretly dreading the day when they get the keys and drive away to more independence. Heck I secretly dread the day Audra can buckle herself in her car seat even though I equally hate the struggle it brings right now.
I was talking to the Dr. at my appointment yesterday (sore throat that I'm certain will never go away) and he congratulated me on getting through the first year of motherhood. I needed that congratulations more than I realized. So if someone hasn't said it to you lately, congratulations on getting through the past year of motherhood. The last month of motherhood. The last hour of motherhood. Though the days drag by they are also flying by at the same rate. Soak em up.
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