Doomed on Friday

I guess I need to vent this hoping it will help ease my depression but I highly doubt it.

My job search is closing in on 5 months now. Never in my life have I gone this long without a job. Never. But moving to a military town brought a lot of competition for jobs - which I was not prepared for. I've been applying online to jobs of and not of my choosing but it was for extra money to pay off school loans and basically temporary until we start a family next year so who was I to be picky? And even when I thought applying online was getting me no where I went out to physically put applications in...only to be told to apply online. Suck.

Well two months ago my husband got me a babysitting job and I have been watching the kid a few times over the past month but this Friday I start full time babysitting and by full time I mean 7am - 5pm Monday - Friday. The little boy is about 18mths old I assume and like all kids that age has the attention span of a gnat. Now I've been babysitting for 14 years now and I've had my share of battles. Changing the diaper of a 4yr old, playing with a spoiled 6yr old who went to bed at 8:30 and their TV didn't work, having a child choke on ice cream even when his siblings told me he could have it, not getting paid once, watching a 1yr old with the worst separation anxiety I've ever seen I had to call the parents to come back and get her (non-stop crying for over an hour). You would think that since I've been doing it so long I've have it down pat and be the best darn babysitter out there but truth is I hate it. Every job I've taken has never been taken with joy. It was taken with "I'm getting paid to watch TV or play with dolls or get some physical exercise" but never have I said "oh man I'm so excited about watching these kids I'd do it for free!" (with the exception of my niece and nephew of course) Nope. So this babysitting job is no different.

I have been dreading the day I start full time. I've been job searching my heart out with no avail. And as the day draws closer I'm filled with such depression because I feel like I've failed the job search. I've prayed to Jesus for a change of heart but I have yet to experience that. I just have no idea how to entertain an 18mth old who doesn't like the word "no" and whose schedule I don't know. Whose had the same babysitter since being born, whose never seen stairs but knows how to climb them in the blink of an eye, who puts up a fuss when we come in from outside but if I set him down outside he runs off and wont listen to me. I don't know what to do with him besides follow him around the bottom part of our townhouse and tell him "no" every time he pulls the door stop out of the wall, opens all the cabinet doors in the kitchen, reaches for the xbox controller and remote etc. It's THE most boring job (babysitting or otherwise) I've ever had. Lord help me.

I do feel 10% better but the depression will undoubtedly rise as the days continue.

Cheers.