St. Patrick's Day Photo Sesh

Last week started out hard. Then it morphed into OK and then it regressed into hard again. After almost a week of Audra only getting up once per night to eat we've now done "two steps back" and she gets up twice to eat now. Progress is still being made but boy nights are rough again. Also she has a tougher time getting down for her bedtime lately. I usually wake her from her evening nap to change her, swaddle her and fill her tummy before putting her back down for the night. The last two night's she's been up 1-2hours past her "bedtime" and it's been rough for all of us. A few nights ago I spent an hour burping her and then daddy took over to get her to fall asleep.

Breastfeeding has also regressed lately. I'm not sure what has changed in my diet (except I've been taking Fenugreek to increase my supply so I can freeze some milk for when she starts solids) but the last 3 days of nursing her has been hard. I'm back to wanting to quit every time I feed her. I cringe every time I hear a "click" sound which means she took in air. I hold my breath every time she gags and coughs because she drank too much too fast. I grit my teeth every time it takes over 5 minutes to get a burp out. Then I breathe a sigh of relief when she does burp. But relief is short lived because...yep she has another burp. I informed her pediatrician about her burping problems and all she suggested was talk to the lactation lady. I doubt I'll go back to her but this burping problem has seriously giving me the I-want-to-quit blues. Has anyone else dealt with this? I've asked around and all anyone can suggest is what I've been doing for the last 2 months. It just seems no matter what I try she struggles with burping. It's taxing for sure and I have yet to find a solid cure. I need the "burp resistant baby" cure. Hello? Misses Piggle Wiggle?

The other day I was so fed up with her nursing struggles I caved and gave her 2oz of formula. I cried the entire time she drank. Her eyes and "I know this is not your milk" stare filled me with such mom guilt you guys I could barely stand it. That was the second time in her life she's gotten formula. I think sometimes when she has a mega burp and wants to still eat, the angle she lays at to eat hurts her tummy. So when she takes a bottle she lays in a different angle and it works much better. I'm slowly learning her cues and she is definitely getting better at burping but sometimes it just pushes me to my edge and I can barely even deal. #firsttimemomproblems

Well that is the latest around here. And we did a mini photo shoot on St. Patrick's Day last week. We are not a bit Irish but she had these lime green pans that are too cute so we semi-celebrated with our green! Also her hair thus far has a strawberry blonde tint so Audra looks very Irish these days!

Sweet baby footie pants

This picture on the left basically perfectly describes Audra. Always, always, ALWAYS moving. Unless she is sleeping she is wiggling in one way or another. 

The picture on the right I need to print out a million copies and make wallpaper with it. It's my favorite picture yet! Her smile melts me every.single.time.

This week is off to a good start. That is all I can say in order not to jinx it. But we are excited about Audra's first Easter on Sunday! No we won't be getting her an Easter basket because that simply means I'm buying my husband and I a bunch of candy and we're still snacking off our Christmas stash. But I've had her Easter dress picked out since she was born and I also recently bought her a bunny onesie that will be a little big on her but it was too adorable to pass up. I now officially buy her more clothes than I buy myself!

Happy Monday Friends!

It Takes a Village

"It takes a village to raise a child"

I had heard this phrase all the time growing up. I really thought it referred to those villages in the desert of Africa where clusters of people live together and children are held, fed, disciplined by all of them. I thought yeah that is nice but over here in Ohio I live mainly alone (with the exception that we live at my in-laws but I don't like to rely on them too terribly much). I don't have a half a dozen family members living under my roof that can take the baby so I can shower, sleep, fix dinner. Sometimes, I'll be honest, I was jealous of those tribes in Africa that helped new mothers adjust. But over these past two months I've learned that I have my own village, it just looks a little different. 

From the beginning we were brought meals, friends washed my dishes, family watched Audra so we can have date night or so I can take a nap and two months later it's just continued. My village stepped up to the plate more than I ever thought. I cannot even begin to thank all of you who have really made this mommy life an easy-ish transition for me. I could not have done it without all of you and your willingness to serve me where I needed it the most. I am so glad I heeded the best advice I received while pregnant - "take help when it is offered". When Audra was born and I was on an adrenaline high that first day I was thinking "this is cake, I've got this in the bag, sign, sealed, delivered". But then we came home and the rude awakening (not the baby crying at 2am) that followed was a shock to my system. I didn't have enough arms or enough energy to do it all but I did have people who offered to do what I couldn't and I gladly took any offer that was offered. So once again, if you helped me in any form these past two months - I am eternally grateful for you. You have no idea. 

So as I mentioned it's been two months. I have survived 9 weeks with this mini human and I have no idea how I did it - again kudos and praise for those around me who helped out so much. 

Big girl in her Bumbo seat! She can't sit in it without me keeping her from leaning but it definitely helps strengthen her neck

At two months Audra has become a joy to be around most of the time. Her schedule is getting easier to recognize. OK let's be honest I had no idea what her schedule was until I looked up a sample schedule. People say they eventually get into a routine and I thought that meant for the whole day so I was trying to track her every move and then I was frustrated when after two weeks of tracking her I still saw no pattern. But what people should of said was they have a mini schedule that might be similar to this:

E - Eat

A - Active/Awake

S - Sleep

Y - Your time 

Yes it spells out EASY which makes it...well easy to remember. Once I read this I was absolutely able to understand her schedule. Or when all heck breaks loose I have to think "OK where in the schedule are we? I'm so glad I found a printable on Pinterest that told me this schedule. This schedule also wants you to "dream feed" your child to get them to sleep through the night but I tried it twice with terrible results. So I skip that part. 

Speaking of sleep, we've made it to the long stretches of sleep at night and I thank Audra for it every morning. Now this doesn't mean every night is the same or even a good night. We seem to have a good night followed by a bad night. Or two good nights and then a bad night and as rough as those bad nights are, the good nights make up for it 1,000 times over!

Breastfeeding, we haven't talked about that in a while. I'm happy to report I no longer want to quit everyday. Most days are fine. Some days are terrible. Some days are dreamy. I continue to go to my LLL meetings because they are amazing and I love swapping "war" stories with other mommies. I have learned to nurse her on both sides if she will do it (this has become especially important at bedtime to really fill her belly). However nursing is still done reclining back most of the time. My flow still shoots out like a firehouse but we are learning to cope with it. 

Audra's awake time is becoming more fun too. She loves her activity mat. She loves to babble to her toys and to me. She loves to smile, even on our worst days her smile melts my heart and it's impossible to stay mad. She even loves tummy time now and is improving everyday. She lifts her head so high and kicks like a crazy woman. She is going to be such an active child, I can already tell. Which means I better start working out and getting back in shape so I can chase her around. 

Her first selfie

I'm slightly addicted to taking pictures of her toes when she is asleep

So I will finish this post before she wakes up with this. Everyday is different. People will tell you it gets easier once they have a schedule but that is a lie. Every day has it's own agenda. For instance, yesterday we both just cried almost all day. Audra would not nap longer than 40 minutes and if she wasn't eating or sleeping she was just fussy. This prompted me to text my husband to tell him dinner was not guaranteed and ask him to bring home donuts. I feel I earned a doughnut yesterday. I earned every single calorie. But then today is completely different - I made a lasagna while she napped. Also if she has a bad day of no sleeping this does not guarantee she will sleep great at night. And on the flip side if she sleeps a ton during the day this doesn't mean she will be awake all night. Each day is a new fresh start. A new chance to get to know my daughter and for her to get to know me. We say a prayer each morning for joy, strength, patience, perseverance and health. We have made it two months with each other - Audra it's been a wild two months my child!

A Few of My Favorite Things

How many of you now have the "My Favorite Things" song from Sound of Music in your head? My apologies. I have a few friends who are currently pregnant with their first so this is sort of for them and sort of for my own records.

During my pregnancy I did hours of research for the best and worst baby items out there so that I would not have a ton of unnecessary baby items floating around. I made lists, consulted Consumer Reports, read books, watched videos etc. These days we don't use many items so I'll just list the ones I have used and loved. Or the ones I thought I would hate but love.

The Puj bath tub - I knew I wanted one of these from the beginning but I wasn't a fan of the price tag. Fortunately I found one on Facebook for $5 and it is fantastic. I can put her in the tub and not worry about holding her with one hand and wash with the other. She simply sits there, happy as a clam.

The Ergo Carrier - I had researched a lot of carriers and I felt that the Ergo was a well-made and ergonomically correct way to wear my baby. I also knew that if for some reason Audra hated the Ergo, I could re-sell it for what I bought it for. Again, Facebook to the rescue! I found my pink and grey chevron Ergo Carrier on a budget-friendly baby-wearing page.

The Moby Wrap - I have to be honest, I'd heard a lot of raves and criticism for Moby Wraps. Their long, complicated, expensive etc. I also heard their the best way to carry your baby. I decided I didn't want a Moby and I would get a Baby K'Tan instead. But my dear cousin (in law? haha) lent me her wrap that she wasn't using for her baby boy and I was hooked. I wear it sometimes 3-4 times a day whenever I need to wash dishes, fold laundry, cook dinner etc and I cannot put Audra down.

*Side note* I highly recommend baby wearing! These last 7 weeks I have grown to rely on it more than I ever thought. Most newborns naturally want to be held ALOT because it comforts them. You think that you'll get things done when baby is sleeping but there are seriously days when I can't put her down or have anyone to hold them and it takes forever for her to fall asleep. Then when she is asleep there is no guarantee she will sleep long enough for you to do anything. I will tell every new mom to research baby wearing and see if it's an option for them. There are so many different carriers out there so find what works for you and try it!

The Fisher Price Rock and Play - This was also something I knew I wanted. I had heard nothing but good things about the Rock and Play. Unfortunately at Audra's one month "birthday" she started rejecting the Rock and Play completely. I have not tried it again since she sleeps in the crib and the swing so well. The Rock and Play might make it over to Grandma and Grandpa's or it may go into storage. I'm so incredibly sad we didn't use it longer. Update, I did use it last night to have her in the kitchen with me as I cleaned up from dinner. She fell asleep while I cleaned and sang along to Pandora. Score!

Swaddle Blankets - Swaddle blankets were one of those things I was extremely skeptical about. I heard mixed reviews about why and why you don't need them. I had decided that I would use regular blankets to swaddle her and save myself $25-$45. Well, when we switched her to the crib swaddling her with blankets were not an option since she wiggles right out of them, SIDS and all. So I found a second hand Swaddle Me blanket for $4 and it's been a life saver! She still squirms her way out or partially out of it but that's my baby Houdini for ya. But I've started swaddling one arm out because she's found her fingers and can soothe herself during the night if one hand is free.

Baby Bottles - I knew that baby bottles were a must for me (or at least something to have on hand that I could return if I didn't need them) but having Audra take a bottle has been a lifesaver! Whether someone is watching her while I go out, or my husband feeds her while I eat dinner or if I choose to personally bottle feed her the bottle has really come in handy. I originally had no idea which ones to get so I just picked the Avent bottle. Well after feeding her a whole 4oz and then having her puke it all up I learned that the Avent might not be the best choice. So I learned from my same cousin who gave me the Moby wrap (it's so nice to have someone else in the family with a young baby!) that she chose the Dr. Brown Options bottle for her little boy. So we tried that and after changing the nipple size to a Preemie nipple it's worked much better. Since I've had such problems with breastfeeding, sometimes giving her a bottle regains my sanity as it doesn't give her any gassiness because I can control how much she gets.

Other items I have used that I swore I wouldn't include:
The Boppy Pillow - I mainly just used it in the hospital but now I mainly use it for tummy time. I received as a lender from a friends mom.

Pacifiers - I knew I might pacify my baby eventually but I wanted to wait a few months so we would not have nipple confusion. Well I ended up giving it at the 2 week mark and luckily she isn't confused at all.

Baby mittens - I received some as a gift after Audra was born and I love them. But seriously socks work just as well if you are like me and cannot find the tiny mittens in your huge bin/storage cady of baby stuff

I also want to add I do not have a nursing cover - I use a blanket when around family or church people but I will be attempting to make a nursing shawl/infinity scarf and I'm so excited about it!

So I do feel that all my research did pay off in the end and I would recommend every first time mom do research of some kind. If anything it's good to know the best quality items and the store that sells the for the best price. I hope this helps my mommy-to-be friends!

And lastly, a mommy and me selfie!

Confessions of a first time mom

After my last post held a decent amount of no-holds-bar honesty I figured I could do a confessions post and really let all  most of it hang out and seeing as I'm only 7 weeks into this "mommyhood" thing I know there will be more than one of these type posts.

Confession #1 I still have no idea what I'm doing most of the time.
Everyday is different. I like to pretend I call the shots in this mommy/baby relationship but let's be honest...she's the queen bee around here.

Confession #2 Mommy brain is real
The other day I totally went to put her in the back of the car...on the wrong side. I forget to button her onesie before I put her pants on more times then I can count.

Confession #3 Crying contests happen
Sometimes when she cries and I've tried everything to get her to stop and nothing works? I just cry along with her. When you can't beat 'em, join em right?

Confession #4 Being honest
Along with confession #3 when she cries and I have no idea why I will sometimes just hold her up and say "I have no idea what you want and it's completely frustrating me"

Confession #5 Complimenting it all
I compliment her burps, her farts, her spit ups, her long sleeps, and her feeds. Anything that she does well I say "hey good job" or "thank you, that made mommy happy". I know it has no affect on anything she does but it helps me feel like a better mom.

Confession #6 What calories?
They say a breastfeeding mom can burn some 500 calories a day just by feeding her baby. Sometimes I use this as an excuse to have a DQ Blizzard or a croissant donut. Don't judge.

Confession #7 Routine schmoutine
I confess I still hope there will be a routine eventually. I guess right now (on a good day) she naps 3 times a day. On a bad day...forget about it. Nights are somewhat predictable with a longer stretch at first, eat an hour, sleep two hours, up for a quick feed and then sleep until 7am. (no matter what she is up at 7am)

Confession #8 Sleep
I still feel like I haven't caught up on sleep. From the day I delivered I feel like I've been hours and hours behind on sleep. I figured I'll either loose hope that I'll ever get caught up or I'll finally be caught up by the time she graduates high school

Confession #9 Going to the Dr's is overwhelming
It's not the physical aspect of getting out the door and to the Dr's office. It's the fact that I feel like I need to be prepared for it like a final exam in college. What is her routine like? How many diapers in a day? How often does she eat? She needs these vitamins and those vitamins. Get her in the sunshine. Tummy time 8 times a day, Yes I'm with her 24/7 but between keeping myself sane and keeping her alive I cannot know every exact detail of her right now. Am I alone?

Confession #10 Snuggles are worth it.
The other night she was successfully falling asleep in her crib for the first time and I thought "OK this works to put her to sleep, I'll take her out and snuggle her for a few more minutes". That kind of bit me in the butt because then she woke back up and didn't go to sleep for another 40 minutes but those snuggles? Totally worth it.


So those are my first 10 confessions of being a new mom. I have no idea if I'm the only one who has dealt with these or if their all normal but this child is definitely keeping me on my toes and humble. Some days it's as if I'm reading her mind and the day is a piece of cake. The other days I feel like "whose child is this? I have no idea what she needs!" So cheers to all those mommies who live every day in the trenches of mommahood just trying to make it through. Whether you are a first time momma or a seasoned veteran let us support those mommas around us with a high five and a "I feel ya sister" attitude.

Finding Joy

I’m not sure what has inspired this post more; the Facebook group I joined a few weeks ago about moms who share their joy or need for joy, OR the fact that Audra got the monumental 5-hour stretch of sleep last night. I just couldn’t believe it! But the other morning before the sun was up I was feeding and holding Audra and this feeling washed over me. Joy. I was sitting there smelling of soured milk, with greasy hair, unshaven dry legs, sleep deprived and a baby painfully sucking on me (yes sometimes it still hurts) and I was happy. I was undoubtedly full of so much joy. It was at that point I realized I made it.

The past 6 weeks have been a blur as you have read in my last entries. No sleep. Fussy baby. Baby blues. No sleep. Pain from recovery. Breastfeeding problems out to wazoo and oh yeah..no sleep. There were so many times I wanted to quit. I wanted to quit breastfeeding and switch to formula because I knew she would sleep longer. I wanted to quit my wife duties because I had no energy. And to be honest with you I wanted to quit being a mom. But I was called back from these depths by the Good Lord who reminded me that I asked for this child. I prayed for years for this child. I knew in the depths of my heart I was made to be a mom. I cried every week of my pregnancy that I was finally getting a child. And yet there I was with a child who wouldn’t stop crying thinking how I would just love to quit. I will have you know that I have not hit that quitting mind set in a few days now. I feel like I’ve finally hit a mark where I feel like a mom. I don’t feel like this person who is getting the life sucked out of them by a child who is living just to make me miserable. I feel like a mom who is trying her best. Reaching her edge but not going over it. Making it all work the best I can. I feel like I can do this now.

This mom stuff is hard stuff but I’m getting better and better at dealing with it. I don’t strive to be a perfect mom or even a mom who wants the world to perceive she has it all together. I don’t have it all together. The other day – I never changed my pants. A whole 36hours went by before I changed from one pair of Yoga pants to a new pair. But I kept this baby alive. I’m learning her cues. I’m learning how to console her. I’m learning that gas drops are my new best friend. I’m learning that sleep is still a luxury but 4am snuggles won’t last forever. I’m learning to ease up on myself. I’m learning that “mothers intuition” is real yo. I’m learning that eating a meal without holding her or feeding her is still a ways away but come dinner time we’ve got a system in place. And when all else fails and the day just falls apart, I don’t leave the couch because she won’t stop eating, I forget to brush my teeth and dinner is a bowl of cereal I know that I have lived another day and learned a few more things about this baby and about myself. I’m finding joy that I’m making progress. I’m surviving. And I have a child who now sort of kind of if-shes-in-the-mood, smiles at me and that..makes it all worth it.

 

Audra's first playdate!

A kodak moment indeed!

Moby wrap wearing!

"Eye" hope you have a good weekend!

One Month In

It seems we have finally hit the one month mark – Happy one month my sweet girl!

Every single day up until this point has seemed to drag by. The nights were so long. The fussy, crabby, crying fits were so loud. The diapers were so many. But one month in and we’ve survived. Lord only knows how but we did. Of course looking back now it seems to have gone by fast but I assure you when I was in the trenches on the edge of losing it did not fly by. There were days I would count down the minutes and seconds until my husband got home or until my sister in law would arrive for back up. Every night at 4am when she wakes I would pray that she would just go back to sleep and not need me. And during those 4am feedings I would have to fight sleep so hard but then I’d get back to bed and my mind wouldn’t shut off. Feeding her has been admittedly a wild ride. A ride I’d love to give up my ticket for if I wasn’t so adamant about getting to the “it gets easier” point. Part of me looks back and goes “gosh where did the time go?” and part of me goes “sweet I made it this far…high five self” I’ve done enough looking back in my recent posts so I’m going to look forward in this one.

I look forward to Summer. I cannot wait for her to be older with the warm weather. Dipping her toes in the water at the beach, going for walks at the local college, eating “solid” foods, wearing cute dresses. Summer had better get here quickly.

I look forward to seeing Audra change in appearance as well as develop a personality. The jury is still out on who she looks like and I cannot wait to see her features further develop. She has started to coo here and there (specifically to one purple butterfly on her play mat) and I cannot wait for those coos to become responsive to being spoken to.

I look forward to her first Christmas. I know…were only in February, but I’m still really looking forward to gaining new traditions and partaking in old ones with her. Christmas Eve couch pictures with one more little person on the couch? Yes please!

I look forward to mommy-and-me day dates. I know how much I enjoy doing things with my own mother and now I get to do them with MY daughter. My heart is so anxious!

Last but not least, I look forward to sleep. Word is, she will eventually sleep a good part of the night. 6-7 hours straight? Sign me up! I do know however, when those nights come I will look back at our 4am groggy feedings and cry over how we don’t cuddle in the dark anymore. But more sleep will be a wonderful thing!

So one month in and many more months to go. I feel ready for those months. I survived the hardest, longest, sleepiest month of my life and it’s made me the mom I am today and I look forward to the mom I’ll be a year from now.

And let's just take a moment and celebrate the fact that I had time to paint my toes last week...I never knew something so small and simple would be such a luxury!

The adventures of breastfeeding

I have finally gotten some time to myself. As I write this Audra is falling asleep in her swing

and I’m sipping a lukewarm, very weak cup of coffee. Little victories.

This post is mainly for my own benefit in terms of breastfeeding. I wanted to write this up so I can look back one day and hopefully see improvement. Breastfeeding is absolutely so hard the first time around. I was naïve going into it. I thought, “hey I’ve got the equipment and baby already knows how to suck, how hard can it be??” Plus there was the other side of the coin – saving money on not having to buy formula.

My very first moment of breastfeeding was immediately after she was born. I was very scared that if she latched wrong that would set us up for months of headaches. Even in my extremely exhausted state of mind I was still conscious of “I want to do this right from the beginning”. So I asked the nurse if she was latched right and she assured me it was “perfection”. Happy me. So after all was said and done with my delivery and stitching up etc. I went to nurse her again and once again – success. I even remembered to time each feeding and she was clocking them at 45 minutes for one side and a half hour for the other – “man we are total Rock stars Audra, this nursing thing is going great girl!” Well that was my last moments of happiness for nursing for a long time. After that Audra had grown to favor the right breast which she went to immediately after birth. She would not latch on my left no matter what we did. This continued for 24hours. It only caused anxiety every time I had to nurse her. Her nursing time got shorter and shorter. She still refused my left side. After we had tried everything the nurses could think of they finally told me to pump just to get things going and maybe that will help her to latch. I pumped and I cried. I cried big heavy fat tears as I sat there feeling like I already failed and I hadn’t even left the hospital. “How could I have thought I was a rock star at this? And now look at me, pumping like a big loser”. Those days in the hospital were the worst for nursing. Every nurse that came in asked how it was going, how long she was feeding for, how long since she fed, and every other question. Then they proceeded to tell me how to improve it – and wouldn’t you know it – their advice was different from the past 4 nurses that rotated into my room. Luckily we headed home and I was able to relax which helped Audra to relax. Nursing slightly improved for a brief moment.

Fast forward to now – almost 4 weeks in and I am finally starting to understand breastfeeding. The past 4 weeks have been filled with engorgement, fussiness, a million nursing positions, feeding sessions that maxed out at 10 minutes if we were feeling lucky and still a fussy baby. After much headache I met with a lactation consultant who informed me that 1. She was getting plenty to eat and 2. She was having such trouble because of my fast flow. So with that we left her office with some tactics to, once again, become rock stars at breastfeeding.

It has been a week and a half since we met with the lactation lady. Since then I have tried all the tricks she gave me but things are still really rough. Audra all of a sudden started getting these huge deep-as-the-ocean burps and after she nursed she would be uncomfortable and fussy for hours. She would want to continue to eat but couldn’t latch. She was super tired but every time I laid her down the burp would come back with a vengeance. We were down to one nap a day and that only last an hour or two at most. Then she would still wake up super fussy. I lost my cool many times during these fussy times. The whole “lay them down and walk away to collect yourself” trick? I’ve done that more times than I can count. I reached out to friends, Facebook groups, Dr. Google and any other form of answers as to what I can do about this baby. I attended a La Leche League meeting which I had to leave early because Audra was so uncomfortable and I in turn ended up crying because she was crying. Loser moment #2. After I left the meeting I returned home, dropped the baby at the door and told my husband I’m going to buy gripe water. This was almost my last straw. It worked but the very next day she was fussy yet again. I tried to give her gas drops before feeding but that didn’t help. I was once again pulling out my hair. This is when I decided to give her a bottle of formula and see if there was a difference in her behavior. Sure enough there was a difference. She ate, burped and was really content. She even took a 4 hour nap. After that she went on a walk with Aunt Jackie and her cousins while I took a nap. That evening I gave her a bottle of breastmilk and noticed a difference as well. It seemed that the bottle works and so does my left side. These are both huge pluses. The downside is my right side flows at warp speed – which she cannot handle. I’m hoping that it will calm down at 8 weeks or before so that I can once again nurse on that side.

Since then we’ve settled on a new routine that may change by this time next week but for now we go with the flow (wow pun Unintended!) and flow is having me only nurse her on my left side and then I pump my right since she cannot seem to nurse on my right side no matter what I do. Then the milk I get from my right side I will freeze except for that which goes in a bottle. She will get a bottle each night before bed – this allows me to see how much she’s getting and make sure she’s getting enough to keep her tummy full for a few hours of sleep.

Anyway, that’s my story. 4 weeks of breastfeeding craziness but I’ve survived. And YOU survived reading it…maybe. So let’s reward you with some pictures of my little. 

Happy Friday Friends. Do something fabulous this weekend!