Finding Joy

I’m not sure what has inspired this post more; the Facebook group I joined a few weeks ago about moms who share their joy or need for joy, OR the fact that Audra got the monumental 5-hour stretch of sleep last night. I just couldn’t believe it! But the other morning before the sun was up I was feeding and holding Audra and this feeling washed over me. Joy. I was sitting there smelling of soured milk, with greasy hair, unshaven dry legs, sleep deprived and a baby painfully sucking on me (yes sometimes it still hurts) and I was happy. I was undoubtedly full of so much joy. It was at that point I realized I made it.

The past 6 weeks have been a blur as you have read in my last entries. No sleep. Fussy baby. Baby blues. No sleep. Pain from recovery. Breastfeeding problems out to wazoo and oh yeah..no sleep. There were so many times I wanted to quit. I wanted to quit breastfeeding and switch to formula because I knew she would sleep longer. I wanted to quit my wife duties because I had no energy. And to be honest with you I wanted to quit being a mom. But I was called back from these depths by the Good Lord who reminded me that I asked for this child. I prayed for years for this child. I knew in the depths of my heart I was made to be a mom. I cried every week of my pregnancy that I was finally getting a child. And yet there I was with a child who wouldn’t stop crying thinking how I would just love to quit. I will have you know that I have not hit that quitting mind set in a few days now. I feel like I’ve finally hit a mark where I feel like a mom. I don’t feel like this person who is getting the life sucked out of them by a child who is living just to make me miserable. I feel like a mom who is trying her best. Reaching her edge but not going over it. Making it all work the best I can. I feel like I can do this now.

This mom stuff is hard stuff but I’m getting better and better at dealing with it. I don’t strive to be a perfect mom or even a mom who wants the world to perceive she has it all together. I don’t have it all together. The other day – I never changed my pants. A whole 36hours went by before I changed from one pair of Yoga pants to a new pair. But I kept this baby alive. I’m learning her cues. I’m learning how to console her. I’m learning that gas drops are my new best friend. I’m learning that sleep is still a luxury but 4am snuggles won’t last forever. I’m learning to ease up on myself. I’m learning that “mothers intuition” is real yo. I’m learning that eating a meal without holding her or feeding her is still a ways away but come dinner time we’ve got a system in place. And when all else fails and the day just falls apart, I don’t leave the couch because she won’t stop eating, I forget to brush my teeth and dinner is a bowl of cereal I know that I have lived another day and learned a few more things about this baby and about myself. I’m finding joy that I’m making progress. I’m surviving. And I have a child who now sort of kind of if-shes-in-the-mood, smiles at me and that..makes it all worth it.

 

Audra's first playdate!

A kodak moment indeed!

Moby wrap wearing!

"Eye" hope you have a good weekend!