Confessions of a first time mom

After my last post held a decent amount of no-holds-bar honesty I figured I could do a confessions post and really let all  most of it hang out and seeing as I'm only 7 weeks into this "mommyhood" thing I know there will be more than one of these type posts.

Confession #1 I still have no idea what I'm doing most of the time.
Everyday is different. I like to pretend I call the shots in this mommy/baby relationship but let's be honest...she's the queen bee around here.

Confession #2 Mommy brain is real
The other day I totally went to put her in the back of the car...on the wrong side. I forget to button her onesie before I put her pants on more times then I can count.

Confession #3 Crying contests happen
Sometimes when she cries and I've tried everything to get her to stop and nothing works? I just cry along with her. When you can't beat 'em, join em right?

Confession #4 Being honest
Along with confession #3 when she cries and I have no idea why I will sometimes just hold her up and say "I have no idea what you want and it's completely frustrating me"

Confession #5 Complimenting it all
I compliment her burps, her farts, her spit ups, her long sleeps, and her feeds. Anything that she does well I say "hey good job" or "thank you, that made mommy happy". I know it has no affect on anything she does but it helps me feel like a better mom.

Confession #6 What calories?
They say a breastfeeding mom can burn some 500 calories a day just by feeding her baby. Sometimes I use this as an excuse to have a DQ Blizzard or a croissant donut. Don't judge.

Confession #7 Routine schmoutine
I confess I still hope there will be a routine eventually. I guess right now (on a good day) she naps 3 times a day. On a bad day...forget about it. Nights are somewhat predictable with a longer stretch at first, eat an hour, sleep two hours, up for a quick feed and then sleep until 7am. (no matter what she is up at 7am)

Confession #8 Sleep
I still feel like I haven't caught up on sleep. From the day I delivered I feel like I've been hours and hours behind on sleep. I figured I'll either loose hope that I'll ever get caught up or I'll finally be caught up by the time she graduates high school

Confession #9 Going to the Dr's is overwhelming
It's not the physical aspect of getting out the door and to the Dr's office. It's the fact that I feel like I need to be prepared for it like a final exam in college. What is her routine like? How many diapers in a day? How often does she eat? She needs these vitamins and those vitamins. Get her in the sunshine. Tummy time 8 times a day, Yes I'm with her 24/7 but between keeping myself sane and keeping her alive I cannot know every exact detail of her right now. Am I alone?

Confession #10 Snuggles are worth it.
The other night she was successfully falling asleep in her crib for the first time and I thought "OK this works to put her to sleep, I'll take her out and snuggle her for a few more minutes". That kind of bit me in the butt because then she woke back up and didn't go to sleep for another 40 minutes but those snuggles? Totally worth it.


So those are my first 10 confessions of being a new mom. I have no idea if I'm the only one who has dealt with these or if their all normal but this child is definitely keeping me on my toes and humble. Some days it's as if I'm reading her mind and the day is a piece of cake. The other days I feel like "whose child is this? I have no idea what she needs!" So cheers to all those mommies who live every day in the trenches of mommahood just trying to make it through. Whether you are a first time momma or a seasoned veteran let us support those mommas around us with a high five and a "I feel ya sister" attitude.

Finding Joy

I’m not sure what has inspired this post more; the Facebook group I joined a few weeks ago about moms who share their joy or need for joy, OR the fact that Audra got the monumental 5-hour stretch of sleep last night. I just couldn’t believe it! But the other morning before the sun was up I was feeding and holding Audra and this feeling washed over me. Joy. I was sitting there smelling of soured milk, with greasy hair, unshaven dry legs, sleep deprived and a baby painfully sucking on me (yes sometimes it still hurts) and I was happy. I was undoubtedly full of so much joy. It was at that point I realized I made it.

The past 6 weeks have been a blur as you have read in my last entries. No sleep. Fussy baby. Baby blues. No sleep. Pain from recovery. Breastfeeding problems out to wazoo and oh yeah..no sleep. There were so many times I wanted to quit. I wanted to quit breastfeeding and switch to formula because I knew she would sleep longer. I wanted to quit my wife duties because I had no energy. And to be honest with you I wanted to quit being a mom. But I was called back from these depths by the Good Lord who reminded me that I asked for this child. I prayed for years for this child. I knew in the depths of my heart I was made to be a mom. I cried every week of my pregnancy that I was finally getting a child. And yet there I was with a child who wouldn’t stop crying thinking how I would just love to quit. I will have you know that I have not hit that quitting mind set in a few days now. I feel like I’ve finally hit a mark where I feel like a mom. I don’t feel like this person who is getting the life sucked out of them by a child who is living just to make me miserable. I feel like a mom who is trying her best. Reaching her edge but not going over it. Making it all work the best I can. I feel like I can do this now.

This mom stuff is hard stuff but I’m getting better and better at dealing with it. I don’t strive to be a perfect mom or even a mom who wants the world to perceive she has it all together. I don’t have it all together. The other day – I never changed my pants. A whole 36hours went by before I changed from one pair of Yoga pants to a new pair. But I kept this baby alive. I’m learning her cues. I’m learning how to console her. I’m learning that gas drops are my new best friend. I’m learning that sleep is still a luxury but 4am snuggles won’t last forever. I’m learning to ease up on myself. I’m learning that “mothers intuition” is real yo. I’m learning that eating a meal without holding her or feeding her is still a ways away but come dinner time we’ve got a system in place. And when all else fails and the day just falls apart, I don’t leave the couch because she won’t stop eating, I forget to brush my teeth and dinner is a bowl of cereal I know that I have lived another day and learned a few more things about this baby and about myself. I’m finding joy that I’m making progress. I’m surviving. And I have a child who now sort of kind of if-shes-in-the-mood, smiles at me and that..makes it all worth it.

 

Audra's first playdate!

A kodak moment indeed!

Moby wrap wearing!

"Eye" hope you have a good weekend!

One Month In

It seems we have finally hit the one month mark – Happy one month my sweet girl!

Every single day up until this point has seemed to drag by. The nights were so long. The fussy, crabby, crying fits were so loud. The diapers were so many. But one month in and we’ve survived. Lord only knows how but we did. Of course looking back now it seems to have gone by fast but I assure you when I was in the trenches on the edge of losing it did not fly by. There were days I would count down the minutes and seconds until my husband got home or until my sister in law would arrive for back up. Every night at 4am when she wakes I would pray that she would just go back to sleep and not need me. And during those 4am feedings I would have to fight sleep so hard but then I’d get back to bed and my mind wouldn’t shut off. Feeding her has been admittedly a wild ride. A ride I’d love to give up my ticket for if I wasn’t so adamant about getting to the “it gets easier” point. Part of me looks back and goes “gosh where did the time go?” and part of me goes “sweet I made it this far…high five self” I’ve done enough looking back in my recent posts so I’m going to look forward in this one.

I look forward to Summer. I cannot wait for her to be older with the warm weather. Dipping her toes in the water at the beach, going for walks at the local college, eating “solid” foods, wearing cute dresses. Summer had better get here quickly.

I look forward to seeing Audra change in appearance as well as develop a personality. The jury is still out on who she looks like and I cannot wait to see her features further develop. She has started to coo here and there (specifically to one purple butterfly on her play mat) and I cannot wait for those coos to become responsive to being spoken to.

I look forward to her first Christmas. I know…were only in February, but I’m still really looking forward to gaining new traditions and partaking in old ones with her. Christmas Eve couch pictures with one more little person on the couch? Yes please!

I look forward to mommy-and-me day dates. I know how much I enjoy doing things with my own mother and now I get to do them with MY daughter. My heart is so anxious!

Last but not least, I look forward to sleep. Word is, she will eventually sleep a good part of the night. 6-7 hours straight? Sign me up! I do know however, when those nights come I will look back at our 4am groggy feedings and cry over how we don’t cuddle in the dark anymore. But more sleep will be a wonderful thing!

So one month in and many more months to go. I feel ready for those months. I survived the hardest, longest, sleepiest month of my life and it’s made me the mom I am today and I look forward to the mom I’ll be a year from now.

And let's just take a moment and celebrate the fact that I had time to paint my toes last week...I never knew something so small and simple would be such a luxury!

The adventures of breastfeeding

I have finally gotten some time to myself. As I write this Audra is falling asleep in her swing

and I’m sipping a lukewarm, very weak cup of coffee. Little victories.

This post is mainly for my own benefit in terms of breastfeeding. I wanted to write this up so I can look back one day and hopefully see improvement. Breastfeeding is absolutely so hard the first time around. I was naïve going into it. I thought, “hey I’ve got the equipment and baby already knows how to suck, how hard can it be??” Plus there was the other side of the coin – saving money on not having to buy formula.

My very first moment of breastfeeding was immediately after she was born. I was very scared that if she latched wrong that would set us up for months of headaches. Even in my extremely exhausted state of mind I was still conscious of “I want to do this right from the beginning”. So I asked the nurse if she was latched right and she assured me it was “perfection”. Happy me. So after all was said and done with my delivery and stitching up etc. I went to nurse her again and once again – success. I even remembered to time each feeding and she was clocking them at 45 minutes for one side and a half hour for the other – “man we are total Rock stars Audra, this nursing thing is going great girl!” Well that was my last moments of happiness for nursing for a long time. After that Audra had grown to favor the right breast which she went to immediately after birth. She would not latch on my left no matter what we did. This continued for 24hours. It only caused anxiety every time I had to nurse her. Her nursing time got shorter and shorter. She still refused my left side. After we had tried everything the nurses could think of they finally told me to pump just to get things going and maybe that will help her to latch. I pumped and I cried. I cried big heavy fat tears as I sat there feeling like I already failed and I hadn’t even left the hospital. “How could I have thought I was a rock star at this? And now look at me, pumping like a big loser”. Those days in the hospital were the worst for nursing. Every nurse that came in asked how it was going, how long she was feeding for, how long since she fed, and every other question. Then they proceeded to tell me how to improve it – and wouldn’t you know it – their advice was different from the past 4 nurses that rotated into my room. Luckily we headed home and I was able to relax which helped Audra to relax. Nursing slightly improved for a brief moment.

Fast forward to now – almost 4 weeks in and I am finally starting to understand breastfeeding. The past 4 weeks have been filled with engorgement, fussiness, a million nursing positions, feeding sessions that maxed out at 10 minutes if we were feeling lucky and still a fussy baby. After much headache I met with a lactation consultant who informed me that 1. She was getting plenty to eat and 2. She was having such trouble because of my fast flow. So with that we left her office with some tactics to, once again, become rock stars at breastfeeding.

It has been a week and a half since we met with the lactation lady. Since then I have tried all the tricks she gave me but things are still really rough. Audra all of a sudden started getting these huge deep-as-the-ocean burps and after she nursed she would be uncomfortable and fussy for hours. She would want to continue to eat but couldn’t latch. She was super tired but every time I laid her down the burp would come back with a vengeance. We were down to one nap a day and that only last an hour or two at most. Then she would still wake up super fussy. I lost my cool many times during these fussy times. The whole “lay them down and walk away to collect yourself” trick? I’ve done that more times than I can count. I reached out to friends, Facebook groups, Dr. Google and any other form of answers as to what I can do about this baby. I attended a La Leche League meeting which I had to leave early because Audra was so uncomfortable and I in turn ended up crying because she was crying. Loser moment #2. After I left the meeting I returned home, dropped the baby at the door and told my husband I’m going to buy gripe water. This was almost my last straw. It worked but the very next day she was fussy yet again. I tried to give her gas drops before feeding but that didn’t help. I was once again pulling out my hair. This is when I decided to give her a bottle of formula and see if there was a difference in her behavior. Sure enough there was a difference. She ate, burped and was really content. She even took a 4 hour nap. After that she went on a walk with Aunt Jackie and her cousins while I took a nap. That evening I gave her a bottle of breastmilk and noticed a difference as well. It seemed that the bottle works and so does my left side. These are both huge pluses. The downside is my right side flows at warp speed – which she cannot handle. I’m hoping that it will calm down at 8 weeks or before so that I can once again nurse on that side.

Since then we’ve settled on a new routine that may change by this time next week but for now we go with the flow (wow pun Unintended!) and flow is having me only nurse her on my left side and then I pump my right since she cannot seem to nurse on my right side no matter what I do. Then the milk I get from my right side I will freeze except for that which goes in a bottle. She will get a bottle each night before bed – this allows me to see how much she’s getting and make sure she’s getting enough to keep her tummy full for a few hours of sleep.

Anyway, that’s my story. 4 weeks of breastfeeding craziness but I’ve survived. And YOU survived reading it…maybe. So let’s reward you with some pictures of my little. 

Happy Friday Friends. Do something fabulous this weekend!

Finally seeing changes!

Well we are 2 ½ weeks into life with Audra. It seems like it’s been so much longer. I keep looking at the calendar thinking I missed her 1 month “birthday” or thinking that its right around the corner but it’s still almost 2 weeks away. Maybe because I feel like we’ve both made huge strides of progress since this time last week. This time last week I didn’t know my up from down, my left from right, my baby’s bottom from her top (ok not really but you get the picture). Last week I called my Midwife’s office and  humbly muttered the word depression. I was hitting some deep and dark places I never thought I would ever hit with a new baby. I wanted to quit. Every time she cried at night the first thought in my head was “I cannot do this, I’m done”. But knowing that no one else would pick her up and feed her I rose out of my warm bed and sleepily picked her up and tended to her needs. These have definitely been the hardest, most sleep-deprived days of my life but I feel we are on an upswing. And I did get prescribed Zoloft for my depression but one pill made me nauseous for over 24hrs. I felt worse on the medicine than off it so I decided to ride it out without meds.

But as I said before we have hit an upswing. I now know what most of her cries mean (thanks to a little article on What to Expect’s website). We’ve hit some sort of a routine. I’ve started documenting when she eats and sleeps so I can eventually see improvement. I’ve gotten really good at changing a diaper by the glow of the moon. I’ve also gotten good at nursing by the same light.

Nursing…man that is one thing that’s finally getting easier. After 2 weeks of frustration, pain, confusion on my part, and wanting to – once again – just give up I was able to meet with a Lactation Consultant at the hospital. Audra was detaching herself over and over and she was only nursing for less than 10 minutes on each side. I was worried because after she was born the nurses told me “you need to nurse her every 2 hours, on each side for 20 minutes” No ifs, ands or buts. Well after meeting with the consultant I learned:
1. Audra is a champ at eating. She now weighs a pound over her birth weight!
2. I have plenty of milk and a very fast flow. Poor Audra was getting so overwhelmed by the flow that she wasn’t wanting to stay latched.
3. I should nurse on the same side twice before switching to slow down my supply. I also nurse her in a position that slows down the flow as well

The night we came home from the consultation Audra nursed for 35 minutes on the same side, only stopping to burp once. I was in shock. I wish I could have given her a hi-five!

Other things that have been happening include; Audra loves to be in the carrier. The best $60 spent was on my Ergo carrier. Somedays I can’t put her down for hours and that is how I get things done! Also, we took a trip by ourselves to the grocery store. Just a quick trip and I didn’t want to appear weak and put her car seat on a cart so I held it on one arm and held the basket of food on the other. Definitely an arm workout and definitely will be using a cart next time. I am no superhero. Audra likes her playmat and we’ve introduced tummy time too. Given she will only lay there a total of 10 minutes but dude…10 minutes is 10 minutes! I’m also learning to block out her squeaks and squeals at night. This has been great in getting some serious sleep. Lastly, I’ve learned to soak up her snuggles. I know they will be gone in no time and I’ve finally learned to love them instead of thinking “ok are you really asleep or just playing me?”.

So we are making progress and I’m finally starting to believe that it does get easier. I cannot wait until we do hit that one month mark!

Because these won't fit for very long

Snoozeville, population 1

Happy Wednesday Friends!

Surviving for 2 weeks

They say parenthood doesn’t come with a manual but I wish it did. You can read all the books, ask all your friends and family about everything under the sun. You can feel so prepared and ready to tackle it with thoughts of “I’ve survived on 2hours of sleep before, it shouldn’t be that hard” only to get slapped in the face with a huge serving of reality and you soon realize you have no idea what you’re doing or how you’re going to survive.

I am a creature of routine, organization, schedules, planning out the day, knowing what’s coming down the line and being all ready for it when it does. I find joy in being prepared and organized. But nothing can prepare you for motherhood. When they hand you that baby your world changes. Routine goes out the window. Organization goes out the door. Schedules and planning take to the streets and you are left high and dry with a newborn who eats, sleeps, poops all willy nilly and could care less what you’re doing or what you thought you would accomplish.

My first two days with Audra were spent in the hospital. A place where if the nurse heard her fussing for too long would come in and help or give advice. It was great but can easily set you up for failure when you get home because she will just cry and cry and all you can do is try and figure out what she wants and yes..sometimes you just cry along with her. The next 5 days of life with a newborn are at this point still fresh enough to remember but soon will become a blur. I was terrified driving home from the hospital knowing that in the morning my husband would go off to work and I was left at home with this child who relied on me for everything. I thought I knew what to expect. Turns out I knew much less than I thought.

How many diapers are you seriously going to go thru? Our trick is to feed her (we are exclusively breastfeeding) on one side and then just when she falls asleep we change her diaper to wake her up enough to nurse on the other side. Then oh look a nice new fresh diaper, I think I’ll go poop now. You’re welcome mom.

Spit-up is expected. The 2am projectile spit-ups are my “favorite”. That whole 3 minutes we spent feeding you is now all over my lap and your sleeper. Well sorry to break it to you but we’re just wiping that mess up and we’ll change our clothes in the morning.

Spit-up is also celebrated. If you’ve been fussy for 2 hours straight and nothing is really working just puke. Puke it all up and you’ll be fine. (This happened the other night and I was never so happy to have her spit-up. Luckily I had thought to put a towel under her head so it did not ruin the bed spread.)

A sleeping baby wipes away all anxiety it took to get there. I may have just spent 2 hours playing feed, burp, change, rock, feed, change, feed, burp roulette and I’m exhausted and you’re wide awake. But when you’re eyes finally close and you’re breathing goes from normal to deep sleep…my mind just feels so free.

Little victories are huge. Momma got a nap in today – little victory. Audra did not scream when I changed her diaper or clothes – little victory. Momma was able to shower (and shave her legs!) while daddy held and talked to you – little victory. Audra slept for 3 hours straight at night – little victory.

Now as I write this we have hit the 2 week mark. The famous “it’ll get better and easier” 2 weeks. I had this little milestone in my sites since we came home. And now that we are here I have to say at times it’s a bit easier but that is only because I have a slightly better idea of what I’m doing. It still gives me anxiety when she cries and I have no idea why. I still have a fear that as soon as I lay her down she will wake up or that any little sound will wake her. But we take it day by day. I have been so incredibly blessed by family and friends who have made meals for us or who have taken Audra so I could get a nap or just cry myself and collect my thoughts. I have learned something about myself in these last 2 weeks – ask for help and take it when it’s offered. Like I said in the beginning I am the kind that likes to be prepared so I was planning to just go thru all of this on my own so to speak because “I am woman, hear my roar” and I was made for this and I can do it and I don’t need that much help; but help was offered and I took it every time I felt the need to and I don’t regret it.

So 2 weeks down and mornings are a bit brighter around here. It’s still frigid outside which makes it hard to go anywhere. I did get out yesterday morning just to drive around and it was wonderful. The sanity was restored for sure. These have been the hardest most sleep-deprived 14 days of my entire life. The baby blues hit me so hard, when your “milk comes in” it’s no joke how bad it hurts, more than 3 hours of sleep in a row is a luxury but this is life with a newborn and before I know it we’ll be celebrating her first birthday and I’ll probably just cry that it went so fast. 

Audra Lynn's Birth Story

First off let me just say since when am I writing about the birth of my daughter? MY daughter? Very very surreal at this moment…

A perfect peace of heaven

I am finally getting the time to document the birth story of our daughter. I feel like I’ve told the story a hundred times already but I would really like to have it written down so I can look back on it when she’s all grown up. I will warn you that this may be a blunt and detailed post. If you do not want to know such details I suggest you stop reading and ask me for the Readers Digest version sometime.

I guess it all started with the Braxton Hicks contractions that I did not realize what they were until I was having them for 2 weeks. To me that’s a good thing because had I known I would have been on pins and needles everyday waiting for the fake contractions to become real ones.

Wednesday night I was headed to bible study with my sister in law and mom. Arriving at my sister in law’s house I slipped on a small patch of ice. I avoided hitting my belly and went straight to my knees. This is what we believe kick started things because the very next morning I boarded a very long and agonizing ride that would change my life forever

7am: I was lying in bed after being on the couch all night with Braxton Hicks and just practicing breathing through them. I was in a half sleep when I felt (as everyone else describes it and I do not argue) a “pop” and then a drip and then a gush. I was not peeing my pants. My water had broken. I immediately called my sister in law to see what I should do next. I called my husband and had him meet me at home. I called the midwife and she instructed us to be at the office at 9am so she could check and monitor me.

9am: We arrive at the office (they knew we were coming) but the receptionist told me to take a seat if I need to. “Oh no, I will leak ALL OVER your chairs. I will stand.” When the nurse took us back and hooked us up to the monitor we heard Audra’s heartbeat loud and clear and happy. This girl was a trooper from that moment on. My midwife came in to check me and announce…wait for it…”you’re at 1cm”…welp. But she did say that since the fluid was a greenish brown color Audra had had a bowel movement in utero and I needed to be admitted right away so they could monitor her. From this point on life was a blur. I don’t remember times very well and I have to rely on my husband to tell me what happened when.

I spent the rest of the day in room 2205 working through my contractions, wearing a huge gown-which I made slightly fashionable by tying the belt from my robe at the top of my belly (and from the compliments of the nurses apparently no one has done this before), wearing huge pads, eating hospital food, watching tv, walking the halls, trying not to be bored and expecting that I was making progress with each contraction.

7pm: We hit the 12 hour mark. 12 hours of labor. Let’s get a progress report from my midwife…drumroll please…”you’re at 1-2cm”. Suck. And you know that smiley face meter in hospitals that talk about pain level? Well I was almost at my pain limit and still had a huge ways to go.

12am: This is went things went south quickly. I was working with the nurse to try different labor positions when before I knew it there was 5-6 other nurses in the room one of which immediately mentioned a c-section. Then someone came up behind me and said “we need to give you oxygen, it’s for the baby” and then everything else was a blur. I was told later that the nurse was not monitoring things correctly and they lost the Audra’s heartbeat on the monitor and needed to find it asap since I was 17hours into labor. Now as if this wasn’t scary enough for a woman who isn’t sleep deprived, starving and has her wits about her, this was all happening during the worst contraction of my entire life. Then I muttered the word; epidural.

12:30am: After confirming with my midwife that this was the best course of action I said goodbye to my family while they input the epidural and was introduced to the anesthesiologist, Walter. Walter was a tall older man and a magician. The epidural magician and I would request him time and time again if I ever had to. While chatting with Walter I asked him if he knew what today was. “It’s January 8^th” he replied. “But do you know whose birthday is today? It’s Elvis’ Birthday (there is a inside story here to this fact but I’ll leave that part out). To which Walter replied “I was in the Army with Elvis” Ok seriously, is this not the coolest old man on Earth? He then proceeded to talk to me about how he and Elvis were in the same company but different units, how no one liked Elvis and thought he was a jerk, and how all the girls would peer over the fence just to get a glimpse of Elvis. After that I asked Walter about his wife and went on to tell me all about their marriage and how they raised their children. This man was amazing and I will never forget having him there in the room with me that day.

2am: I was fading in and out of epidural sleep when my midwife came in to check me. I had made it to 4cm. Go me!

8am: The switcharoo with midwives came and I was visited by the midwife whom I prefer, Mary who then checked me…7-8cm. now we're cooking!

At this point in time I don’t remember what happened when but thanks to the epidural I was able to get some sleep. I had been in labor for 24hours. Usually this is when a Dr. would talk about doing a C-section since my water had been broken for so long but my midwife is awesome. She explained that we were going to monitor her and wait a while longer. We would insert an internal fetal monitor and also add fluid back in so that Audra could float around and get into position better. After this I was able to take and nap.

This is when things started to get real. I woke from my nap and told Jonathan “you need to go tell the nurses right now that I have to poop”. So the nurse came in to check me and sure enough I made it to 9.5cm. She said that we would do some practice pushes to see if this would help really get things going. It did. Slowly the room filled with lots of equipment, my bed was raised, I was told that I would push lying down since I had the epidural which was ok with me.

Fast forward and before I know it my midwife is there and I’m pushing. My epidural had now worn off and I was feeling everything. It took me a bit but I eventually learned how they wanted me to push. I pushed for 1.5 hours before my last push pushed our daughter into this world. I will never forget that feeling of 1. Her coming out and 2. Looking down, seeing her come out and knowing I was done. 32 hours later and I was done. I was a mom. My daughter was here and she was healthy.

It was surreal. I was so exhausted that when we were skin to skin I felt I was going to loose it. I was either going to close my eyes and wake up from this dream, or I would close my eyes and pass out from exhaustion and fall right off the bed. I never fought so hard to stay awake in my life. The downside to this time was that I had torn pretty dang bad and they needed to call in the surgeon to stitch me up.

About 2 ½ hours later I was finally able to relax and eat food (it was cheeseburger day!) Family was informed and on their way to meet the newest member of the family and all I could focus on was sleep.

Our world changed on January 8, 2016. We became parents. We became forever responsible for this child. We became a family.

The Lord was with me during those 32 hours for sure. I look back and realize He was my strength when I had no strength. He kept Audra safe and dancing away in my womb until she was ready to come out. He knew exactly how everything was going to go and cannot even express how grateful I am for that. To God be all the glory!

We finally got to go home after 4 long days in that sterile room. Driving home that night in this year’s first wintery blizzard blast, crying and trying to not be terrified. I didn’t know how I would survive as a mom AND a wife. I will update again soon on Audra’s first week home. This world of motherhood is a wild wild ride!

My world. This picture makes me tear up every time.