A week without water. Almost

What a doozy this week has been and it's only...lemme check..Wednesday. Holy cow it's ONLY Wednesday??! How can this be?

This week started out with a funeral of such a dear, sweet and loving mentor of mine. Cancer took her life but her soul resides in Heaven for eternity. Her ministry will live on for years and years through those who she ministered too. Her servant's heart and love for the Lord made an impact on way too many to count. Dance with Jesus Jan. You are dearly missed but we will see you soon one day.

Monday night we found out that our gray water was leaking into our in-laws crawl space. So this meant we couldn't use any water the following day. The following day was also the funeral for my dear Jan. So my mind was immediately spinning as to what I needed to do the following day in order to survive. I was going to spend the day at my parents and attend the funeral and hopefully wash my hair and oh yeah...take care of an infant who doesn't care about my plans for the day. It was a little rough going but we survived. Dinner that night was made via the microwave or toaster oven using as little dishes as possible. Monday night also brought Audra to wake up 3 times which was just miserable. I forgot what 4 hours of sleep felt like. Yuck.

Audra's biggest blowout yet. And in my favorite onesie of hers. Naturally. R.I.P

Tuesday we spent the day at my parents. We took over half the apartment. Basically. A load of laundry, Audra's play mat, dishes to wash, fixin's for dinner, spare clothes for both of us, the carrier so we could go for a walk and a few other things. Left the kitchen sink at home, my mom has one of those! Tuesday morning also brought the continuation of whatever the heck Audra is going thru. I'm not sure if it's a growth spurt or an upset tummy or a "leave me alone but don't set me down" attitude. I was in no mood for her mood. This is where we are going to clash for the rest of our lives. I need to pray for serious attitude adjustment because Audra has my attitude and talk about "taste your own medicine". This kid gives it to me 10 fold. She sat in the swing for a half hour basically whining because she was tired but not wanting the pacifier. So I walked around gathering everything we needed to take to my parents. After a half hour I couldn't take her whining anymore so I picked her up and tried to rock her to sleep. She didn't want that either. So I just put her in her crib and she just screamed. I continued to collect things and every minute walk over to her and give her her pacifier which she didn't want. So I just let her continue to scream. After about 4-5 minutes she calmed down and then I felt like an idiot of a mother. "my baby probably thinks I'm never coming for her. She's lost hope that mommy is ever coming back" I about lost it when I thought this. Serious mom guilt. But I know crying is good for her lungs. So I scooped her up and she was so exhausted from crying she went to sleep very shortly. I told her I would always come to pick her up but letting her cry it out is something we need to do every once in a while. I also apologized a few times too which may not of helped her but it helped me.

Wednesday was a rather boring day. We spent the day at my parents. Thursday same story, same tune. The water came back on Thursday evening so we didn't go a week without it but a few days using as little as possible. Going without water is never fun. You truly do not realize how much you rely on it until you can't use it!

Friday. Hallelujah Friday. I am recuperating from the last 3 nights in which Audra has decided that she wants to wake up every 3 hours. I very much look forward to long stretches of sleep soon. Hopefully. Or maybe this is the 4 month sleep regression they talk about and Audra is going thru it early? Maybe? No? Ugh.

I've been following the Wonder Weeks app for Audra and we are at the beginning of a 5 week long rough patch. So far it's been right on. Last week and this week she is more fussy and spitting up more than usual. I've been told by 3 people that she is teething but I have yet to believe it. Sure she chews on everything that she can grab but I've also read this is her way of learning about her surroundings too. Maybe she is teething. Maybe not. Time will tell. But I know one thing, I am not ready for a Teether. Not one bit.

Audra has been busy this week though. When she isn't fussing or spitting up she has learned to make a new sound. Not a happy sound. A loud yell, growl, scream, something or other. It's a mean sound. It feels like she is grunting through the biggest poop of her life. But she doesn't poop. I'm hoping she learns a new happy sound soon! She has also given up on rolling from tummy to back for the moment. We try and try but she just won't. Oh well. She also loves to stare. And her least favorite trick of mine is talking while trying to nurse. It's adorable but milk gets everywhere and she doesn't concentrate on eating.

My own personal newest trick is hair loss. Yup. Postpartum hair loss is real. It's not extreme but hair.is.everywhere. On me. On her. On blankets, socks, pajamas, pacifiers. Unreal and gross.

Anyway, sorry to gross you out. Here are some new pictures of Audra. Hopefully the cuteness takes the picture of me loosing my hair like a German Shepard in the summer out of your head. It certainly does for me.

And then the bloopers to get to the above photo

 

Always moving. Always

 

Seriously? More pictures?

 

Hands...always in the mouth. 

 So as we continue to ride through this rough patch hoping for an easy day and easy night coincide at least once I will continue to try and savor these days. It definitely feels like it's been 14 weeks. I high-five myself every time we reach the weekend. I high-five Audra every time she sleeps long enough I can get a shower and a meal in. I high-five my husband every time I'm not too tired to snuggle when Audra goes to bed. We still have rough days and nights but the good days are becoming more frequent. I still often wish for the months ahead when Audra can entertain herself, or sit up by herself or feed herself but when those moments come I know I'll hate it. I'll hate that I cannot hold her and walk around and do things. I'll hate that we spend less time laying on the floor talking. I'll hate that she nurses less. This time in my life I'm trying to enjoy even though it's rough. Audra is basically a really good baby. I hate to even complain about my life with her because I know there are others who have it way worse. This momma life is teaching me patience, perseverance, and joy. And joy is something you can never get enough of.

Have a joy-filled weekend friends!

A Week Without Netflix. Almost.

My happy baby. She was not happy a lot this week. 

First I must explain where this idea came from because we are surrounded and immersed in a society that is connected to others in more ways then we ever need. At my breastfeeding meeting they tell the moms-to-be "don't get the app (to take care of your baby and track their feedings/diapers) get Netflix". This is because you will probably spend a ton of time nursing the baby in the beginning and you'll quickly become bored and hey, Netflix just streams episode after episode and all you have to do is tell it your still watching every few episodes or so. Dude I can feed the baby and binge watch Gilmore Girls all day? This new mom life is THE life to have!

Sometimes yes. Sometimes not.

But in the meeting I totally agreed with that piece of advice because honestly Netflix was my life besides Audra. I would put it on in the morning and it wouldn't go off until we went to bed. I cringe to admit this but as a new mom I wanted background noise and an excuse to watch tons of TV guilt free. Well I realized I needed to unplug when Audra and I were having play time and I was so consumed by Iron Chef that I tuned Audra out for a second or two or three or thirty. I was drawn back to reality when her coos turned angry. She knew my attention was somewhere else and she was calling me back. This brings tears to my eyes. I was giving a TV show more attention then my daughter. How did it get this bad?? My life had turned into "OK will I watch The Office or Friends? OK that's enough stupid TV let's switch to Cupcake Wars and learn about how to bake. All right it's the afternoon I earned me another episode of Fixer Upper". I'm telling you Netflix was.my.life and it was bad. So I vowed to watch less. I would replace the noise of the TV with Pandora playing worship music or some Ella Fitzgerald and I would spend more time staring at my baby than an episode of Salvage Dawgs.

I was further convinced to do this at church this past Sunday. The first time I had heard a sermon since Audra was born and it was one I needed badly. We learned about how Elijah was so depressed he wanted to die but God led him to the top of a mountain because He had something to say to Elijah. He had Elijah stand there and wait for the presence of God. First there was a tornado-like winds. Second was a powerful earthquake. Third was there was a fire. But the Lord was not in these. He was in the gentle whisper that followed them. This message hits me hard every time I hear it. I took this into my life as a mom and learned that if I really wanted to connect with my daughter I needed to cut out the distractions. If I really needed to connect with God I needed to focus on the small quiet moments with her and with Him. The background noise was clouding everything else. The one thing I wanted to fill up the silence was truly filling up the silence in such a bad way and it took me way too long to realize it. Not anymore.

And as if I questioned it even in the slightest I then received an email from WTE about limiting screen time for babies. I took this as a final sign that I needed to cut back.

Monday - we were both tired. Audra stayed in a sleeper all day. It was a day of 2 cups of coffee and a bad day to cut out Netflix. It was rainy and cold and I wanted to do nothing BUT watch Netflix. But I remained abstinent. We had lots of play and face to face time. We cuddled and snuggled and giggled. During her naps I cleaned, did laundry, and worked out. Now I will admit during lunch I watched an episode of Fixer Upper. This my "me time". Unfortunately Netflix went on again after dinner when daddy went into the garage.

Tuesday - We spent the morning hanging out and playing and then we ran errands in the afternoon during Audra's nap time. It was Daddy's birthday but Audra was not a happy baby when she got up from her noon time nap. We were both crying when Daddy came home. Poor Daddy. All she wanted to do was be held and no sitting and "don't you dare lay me down for even a second". She was fussy, uncomfortable and spitting up like every half hour or hour. I came to the conclusion that she had an upset stomach and finally gave her gas drops after bath time. Netflix went on after dinner so we could both just chill.

The only way I could get her to have a solid nap. Half swaddle and on my lap. But I was OK with that. :)

Wednesday - Audra was still feeling yucky. Two poopy diapers within the first hour of waking up (one of which dirtied a onesie, pants AND a blanket). When she ate I burped her and it went - big deep burp, big poop, big deep burp. My poor baby was again only happy being held and cuddled. I also just didn't feel like doing anything so we put on a movie and relaxed and did a load of laundry. Hopefully whatever was bothering her is working it's way out of her system. The day slowly improved and again Netflix came on after dinner

She was content to sit on my lap for a whole 5 minutes. It was bliss. 

Thursday - Pandora played the Wicked soundtrack/station all morning. This is not only Wicked music which I love but all Disney and Pixar music. It of course randomly throws in regular singers or groups but I always "thumbs down" those. I love this station. Audra seems to be feeling better but she wants to fall asleep at the breast, with the pacifier. Totally do able but never had her do this before. She has been extra cuddly these past few days and I love it. Tonight is grocery shopping. We now take Audra with us instead of having someone watch her. She does not like to stay in the car seat because she's so noisy and wants to see everything. So we end up keeping the car seat in the cart and putting food in and around it. It's pretty funny, Last time we took her with us she started fussing just when we went to check out and of course the line was long. So I was gearing up to take her out to the car and have Jonathan check out and pack everything up. But the dear lady who was behind us with only 2 items and refused to go in front of us was so sweet to Audra. She just kept talking to her and this calmed her down enough for us to get through the line and packed up. Bless that lady. Bless the people in public who like children and do not give a care that they are fussy. You people make mommas like me so much more at ease when baby starts fussing.
This time Audra was a rock star during grocery shopping. It's when we got home and had bath time that she lost it. Screaming for 10 minutes straight (which seems like an eternity). Turns out she was hungry even though I had just fed her an hour prior. Yowza.

*It was by this point in the week I realized Audra might be going thru a growth spurt...duh Momma*

Friday - The day I look forward to most every week. We made it. It's supposed to be warm today so we might get out and take a walk. We both need the fresh air. Audra decided to get up around 6 this morning which did not make for a very happy Momma. I needs extra coffees today. But we now look forward to the busy weekend and next time she looses it we look at cute and happy pictures on my phone and remember that these screaming moments won't last forever. I think I definitely earned some sort of "novice mother badge" this week. A small gem in my baseball cap (because I in no way deserve a crown).

Audra grabbed her butterfly the other day. Yay!

Last weekend we had a birthday party to go to. Audra spent a lot of time on Daddy's lap which made this Momma very happy. She was a rockstar all night. :) We even got a "girls only" photo session in!

Kisses for Audra!

Raise your hand if you love Audra! haha

A mommy-daughter selfie. Audra obviously had it with the pictures and needed a nap

So this week started out with good intentions. Cut out Netflix so that I could focus more on my life with Audra but of course Audra had a totally different definition of "look at me" which almost made me loose my marbles and come lunch or evening time Netflix was my saving grace. I feel much better about having Netflix on much less but sometimes when the house is clean, the dishes are done, the laundry is folded and the errands are run there is nothing left to do so it's you and this baby who counts on you for almost every aspect of entertainment. And sometimes momma's get drained of being the constant source of "grab your toy" or "Peek-a-boo" so we need that TV to entertain ourselves just like babies need us to entertain them. But it's a dangerous slope. We need to be super cautious of screen time because it's everywhere. I was on my phone the other day while holding Audra and she was watching the screen. I immediately turned my phone screen off and set it down. I need to soak up this time with her. Even though it's still early time is still fleeting. She will never turn 3 months again. She will never grab a toy for the first time ever again. She will never have a first laugh or a first roll over. Society and screens can take your attention from these moments without you even realizing it. But babies already realize it. They know when our attention is elsewhere. So realize it. Stop it. Stop and enjoy your babies because their only babies for a little while. 

Have a happy and warm weekend friends. 

Three Month Mark

Today marks exactly 3 months since our lives changed forever and my life is still trying to adjust! Life with a 3 month old is good stuff man. On her good days she naps a lot still but when shes awake she's giggling and talking up a storm! She nurses every 3-4 hours for 5 to 10 minutes. Sometime I really have to ask her if she got enough and then she spits up which tells me she got more than enough. On our bad days she wants nothing to do with naps longer than 30 minutes and putting her down is a huge no-no so not much gets done unless I can do it with one hand.

I took her 3 month pictures this week and looking back at them I just had to crack up and make up a million captions in my head for them.

The path to get the above photo was quite comical. Here are the first several pictures

I also have a mom failure story you guys. This morning I was shopping Amazon for my husband's birthday gift. Audra was in her swing, music going, pacifier in (I did not swaddle her this time). She was on her way to snoozeville and I was getting ahead of schedule while she did so. Well her pacifier fell out so naturally she began to get fussy. She had such a tired cry I just let her cry a little bit to help self soothe. I was reassuring her she was fine and everything. Her cry then turned into an angry one so I looked over and she is (I cringe every time I relive this moment) falling out of the swing feet first. Her top half was in the swing, her bottom half was not. My heart stopped. She was almost screaming and I ran the whole 20 feet to rescue her. Those 20 feet felt like a half mile. Just as I got there she slipped out of the swing onto her bum and the swing then knocked her in the head gently but enough to keep her upright and from falling back onto her back. It gave me that split second to pick her up before she fell backward. She calmed right down as soon as I picked her up, oblivious to anything that just happened but I could not put her down or stop apologizing to her. Now you may ask "how did your child slip out when those things come with restraints"? Well I never used the restraints. Until now. She loves to squirm but has never managed to squirm her way out of anything like this. Those restraints are going to be my best friend until she is too heavy for the swing.

This is our new method of napping. Swaddled but strapped in. We make it work. 

After I got over my failure feeling I put her back in all swaddled up and strapped in and then moved my laptop to in front of her swing so she would not leave my eyesight. That moment of seeing her body half out of the swing will haunt me for a very long time.

But scary moments aside we've survived it for 3 months. Our lives continue to be surrounded by diapers, blankets, pacifiers and itty bitty socks looking for their mate. We continue to dance to the beat of a drum by an infant who doesn't know time. We continue to hold fast to each other when our nerves are frayed and you loose your footing. I still cannot say it's been easy (sorry for all the first time mommas-to-be) that are reading this. 3 months is a long time when you aren't getting solid sleep and the daily "schedule" is anything but. But it does get better and I'm getting better at this whole "being a mom" thing - which by the way- is still very very surreal to me.

And just a few more smiley pictures I just had to share. 

Happy weekend to you my friends. May it be long and full of happiness. Despite the snow that is still haunting us even though it's April! 

12 weeks

All right so to be honest I thought the newborn phase lasted 4-6 weeks. I thought after this they are just considered a baby. I learned though that the newborn phase is the first 3 months. 12 whole weeks. I was saddened because I was really looking forward to Audra not being a newborn anymore. For some reason I had it in my head that it would be a whole lot easier at 12 weeks. Now that we are here I can't say it's as easy as I thought it would be but it's most definitely easier than 6 weeks or heck, even 11 weeks ago. I know I was wishing that time away but I just assumed it would be so much easier when she grew out of the newborn stage. I now look at moms who just gave birth and think "oh goodness look how tiny, I miss those snuggles". But at the same time I have still been counting down until Audra hit 12 weeks and before I knew it she's hit that mark. We are officially out of the newborn phase. Hello.

This face....

The biggest thing I've noticed is that her cry has changed. It's no longer that newborn sounding wail but it's got more meaning behind it and I can more easily tell why she is crying. But I don't want to focus on things that have gone away with this 12 week mark but instead focus on the gains. It's all about the victories in this mother role. 

Audra smiles all the time and even started to giggle a little. It makes being a mother much more rewarding when you can see the smile on their face and know that they are happy. She has even started grabbing toys (without really knowing it) but she looks at the toys and you can just tell in her eyes she's thinking "man that looks good enough to grab". Another thing that we've gained is sleep. She goes back and forth but for the most part her initial stretch of sleep is 5 hours. After I feed her she is also falling asleep faster. I used to have to wait at least a half hour before I could put her down. Now I can put her back to bed in about 15-20 minutes. Progress!

Progress has also been made in the breastfeeding and burping department as well. I haven't given Audra gas drops in a week and we haven't had a tough burping session in almost as long. Audra is now burping on her own more and burping easier. Sometimes she doesn't even burp at all which gave me anxiety at first but she never fussed from a gas bubble so turns out she didn't need to burp after all. This alone makes my heart soar. I guess 12 weeks IS a magical stepping stone in the breastfeeding department. I still have a tough time nursing her on my right side but that aside it's so much easier than a month ago!

She naps more. As you read in my last post she naps 3 or 4 times a day. This is a big change from a few weeks ago when she barely napped during the day. Maybe because she's more active and that means she needs more sleep. Not sure if that is true but I'm really not complaining about the fact that she naps more than she used to. I truly hope she gets her daddy's sleeping habits. He can sleep anywhere and through anything! Must be nice!

She finally rolled over again. She hasn't done that since she was 6-7 weeks old. We are also practicing her rolling from back to stomach and standing/squatting. I cannot wait to get her a "Johnny Jump Up" and see how she does with it.

We are also working on her falling asleep on her own without the pacifier. Sometimes it works but for the most part she still relies heavily on it. I did read an article that encouraged pacifiers for babies of mothers who have an overactive letdown. Babies that are fast eaters and usually nurse for 5-10 minutes need the pacifier to exercise their sucking reflex. This makes me feel better about giving it her. I do note that she only gets the pacifier during her naps. She only gets it at "night" when she wakes up at 6am and she is not hungry but needs the sucking reflex to lull her back to sleep.

So in conclusion I cannot believe we survived the first 12 weeks. I cannot believe that Spring is here and the weather is continuing to get warmer. I cannot believe that everything this baby has learned so far is because of my and my husband's time with her. These past weeks have been crazy hard but it's getting easier. I finally believe all of you who have told me that over and over. It gets a little easier everyday!

P.S Let the handstanding commence!