Finally seeing changes!

Well we are 2 ½ weeks into life with Audra. It seems like it’s been so much longer. I keep looking at the calendar thinking I missed her 1 month “birthday” or thinking that its right around the corner but it’s still almost 2 weeks away. Maybe because I feel like we’ve both made huge strides of progress since this time last week. This time last week I didn’t know my up from down, my left from right, my baby’s bottom from her top (ok not really but you get the picture). Last week I called my Midwife’s office and  humbly muttered the word depression. I was hitting some deep and dark places I never thought I would ever hit with a new baby. I wanted to quit. Every time she cried at night the first thought in my head was “I cannot do this, I’m done”. But knowing that no one else would pick her up and feed her I rose out of my warm bed and sleepily picked her up and tended to her needs. These have definitely been the hardest, most sleep-deprived days of my life but I feel we are on an upswing. And I did get prescribed Zoloft for my depression but one pill made me nauseous for over 24hrs. I felt worse on the medicine than off it so I decided to ride it out without meds.

But as I said before we have hit an upswing. I now know what most of her cries mean (thanks to a little article on What to Expect’s website). We’ve hit some sort of a routine. I’ve started documenting when she eats and sleeps so I can eventually see improvement. I’ve gotten really good at changing a diaper by the glow of the moon. I’ve also gotten good at nursing by the same light.

Nursing…man that is one thing that’s finally getting easier. After 2 weeks of frustration, pain, confusion on my part, and wanting to – once again – just give up I was able to meet with a Lactation Consultant at the hospital. Audra was detaching herself over and over and she was only nursing for less than 10 minutes on each side. I was worried because after she was born the nurses told me “you need to nurse her every 2 hours, on each side for 20 minutes” No ifs, ands or buts. Well after meeting with the consultant I learned:
1. Audra is a champ at eating. She now weighs a pound over her birth weight!
2. I have plenty of milk and a very fast flow. Poor Audra was getting so overwhelmed by the flow that she wasn’t wanting to stay latched.
3. I should nurse on the same side twice before switching to slow down my supply. I also nurse her in a position that slows down the flow as well

The night we came home from the consultation Audra nursed for 35 minutes on the same side, only stopping to burp once. I was in shock. I wish I could have given her a hi-five!

Other things that have been happening include; Audra loves to be in the carrier. The best $60 spent was on my Ergo carrier. Somedays I can’t put her down for hours and that is how I get things done! Also, we took a trip by ourselves to the grocery store. Just a quick trip and I didn’t want to appear weak and put her car seat on a cart so I held it on one arm and held the basket of food on the other. Definitely an arm workout and definitely will be using a cart next time. I am no superhero. Audra likes her playmat and we’ve introduced tummy time too. Given she will only lay there a total of 10 minutes but dude…10 minutes is 10 minutes! I’m also learning to block out her squeaks and squeals at night. This has been great in getting some serious sleep. Lastly, I’ve learned to soak up her snuggles. I know they will be gone in no time and I’ve finally learned to love them instead of thinking “ok are you really asleep or just playing me?”.

So we are making progress and I’m finally starting to believe that it does get easier. I cannot wait until we do hit that one month mark!

Because these won't fit for very long

Snoozeville, population 1

Happy Wednesday Friends!

Surviving for 2 weeks

They say parenthood doesn’t come with a manual but I wish it did. You can read all the books, ask all your friends and family about everything under the sun. You can feel so prepared and ready to tackle it with thoughts of “I’ve survived on 2hours of sleep before, it shouldn’t be that hard” only to get slapped in the face with a huge serving of reality and you soon realize you have no idea what you’re doing or how you’re going to survive.

I am a creature of routine, organization, schedules, planning out the day, knowing what’s coming down the line and being all ready for it when it does. I find joy in being prepared and organized. But nothing can prepare you for motherhood. When they hand you that baby your world changes. Routine goes out the window. Organization goes out the door. Schedules and planning take to the streets and you are left high and dry with a newborn who eats, sleeps, poops all willy nilly and could care less what you’re doing or what you thought you would accomplish.

My first two days with Audra were spent in the hospital. A place where if the nurse heard her fussing for too long would come in and help or give advice. It was great but can easily set you up for failure when you get home because she will just cry and cry and all you can do is try and figure out what she wants and yes..sometimes you just cry along with her. The next 5 days of life with a newborn are at this point still fresh enough to remember but soon will become a blur. I was terrified driving home from the hospital knowing that in the morning my husband would go off to work and I was left at home with this child who relied on me for everything. I thought I knew what to expect. Turns out I knew much less than I thought.

How many diapers are you seriously going to go thru? Our trick is to feed her (we are exclusively breastfeeding) on one side and then just when she falls asleep we change her diaper to wake her up enough to nurse on the other side. Then oh look a nice new fresh diaper, I think I’ll go poop now. You’re welcome mom.

Spit-up is expected. The 2am projectile spit-ups are my “favorite”. That whole 3 minutes we spent feeding you is now all over my lap and your sleeper. Well sorry to break it to you but we’re just wiping that mess up and we’ll change our clothes in the morning.

Spit-up is also celebrated. If you’ve been fussy for 2 hours straight and nothing is really working just puke. Puke it all up and you’ll be fine. (This happened the other night and I was never so happy to have her spit-up. Luckily I had thought to put a towel under her head so it did not ruin the bed spread.)

A sleeping baby wipes away all anxiety it took to get there. I may have just spent 2 hours playing feed, burp, change, rock, feed, change, feed, burp roulette and I’m exhausted and you’re wide awake. But when you’re eyes finally close and you’re breathing goes from normal to deep sleep…my mind just feels so free.

Little victories are huge. Momma got a nap in today – little victory. Audra did not scream when I changed her diaper or clothes – little victory. Momma was able to shower (and shave her legs!) while daddy held and talked to you – little victory. Audra slept for 3 hours straight at night – little victory.

Now as I write this we have hit the 2 week mark. The famous “it’ll get better and easier” 2 weeks. I had this little milestone in my sites since we came home. And now that we are here I have to say at times it’s a bit easier but that is only because I have a slightly better idea of what I’m doing. It still gives me anxiety when she cries and I have no idea why. I still have a fear that as soon as I lay her down she will wake up or that any little sound will wake her. But we take it day by day. I have been so incredibly blessed by family and friends who have made meals for us or who have taken Audra so I could get a nap or just cry myself and collect my thoughts. I have learned something about myself in these last 2 weeks – ask for help and take it when it’s offered. Like I said in the beginning I am the kind that likes to be prepared so I was planning to just go thru all of this on my own so to speak because “I am woman, hear my roar” and I was made for this and I can do it and I don’t need that much help; but help was offered and I took it every time I felt the need to and I don’t regret it.

So 2 weeks down and mornings are a bit brighter around here. It’s still frigid outside which makes it hard to go anywhere. I did get out yesterday morning just to drive around and it was wonderful. The sanity was restored for sure. These have been the hardest most sleep-deprived 14 days of my entire life. The baby blues hit me so hard, when your “milk comes in” it’s no joke how bad it hurts, more than 3 hours of sleep in a row is a luxury but this is life with a newborn and before I know it we’ll be celebrating her first birthday and I’ll probably just cry that it went so fast. 

Audra Lynn's Birth Story

First off let me just say since when am I writing about the birth of my daughter? MY daughter? Very very surreal at this moment…

A perfect peace of heaven

I am finally getting the time to document the birth story of our daughter. I feel like I’ve told the story a hundred times already but I would really like to have it written down so I can look back on it when she’s all grown up. I will warn you that this may be a blunt and detailed post. If you do not want to know such details I suggest you stop reading and ask me for the Readers Digest version sometime.

I guess it all started with the Braxton Hicks contractions that I did not realize what they were until I was having them for 2 weeks. To me that’s a good thing because had I known I would have been on pins and needles everyday waiting for the fake contractions to become real ones.

Wednesday night I was headed to bible study with my sister in law and mom. Arriving at my sister in law’s house I slipped on a small patch of ice. I avoided hitting my belly and went straight to my knees. This is what we believe kick started things because the very next morning I boarded a very long and agonizing ride that would change my life forever

7am: I was lying in bed after being on the couch all night with Braxton Hicks and just practicing breathing through them. I was in a half sleep when I felt (as everyone else describes it and I do not argue) a “pop” and then a drip and then a gush. I was not peeing my pants. My water had broken. I immediately called my sister in law to see what I should do next. I called my husband and had him meet me at home. I called the midwife and she instructed us to be at the office at 9am so she could check and monitor me.

9am: We arrive at the office (they knew we were coming) but the receptionist told me to take a seat if I need to. “Oh no, I will leak ALL OVER your chairs. I will stand.” When the nurse took us back and hooked us up to the monitor we heard Audra’s heartbeat loud and clear and happy. This girl was a trooper from that moment on. My midwife came in to check me and announce…wait for it…”you’re at 1cm”…welp. But she did say that since the fluid was a greenish brown color Audra had had a bowel movement in utero and I needed to be admitted right away so they could monitor her. From this point on life was a blur. I don’t remember times very well and I have to rely on my husband to tell me what happened when.

I spent the rest of the day in room 2205 working through my contractions, wearing a huge gown-which I made slightly fashionable by tying the belt from my robe at the top of my belly (and from the compliments of the nurses apparently no one has done this before), wearing huge pads, eating hospital food, watching tv, walking the halls, trying not to be bored and expecting that I was making progress with each contraction.

7pm: We hit the 12 hour mark. 12 hours of labor. Let’s get a progress report from my midwife…drumroll please…”you’re at 1-2cm”. Suck. And you know that smiley face meter in hospitals that talk about pain level? Well I was almost at my pain limit and still had a huge ways to go.

12am: This is went things went south quickly. I was working with the nurse to try different labor positions when before I knew it there was 5-6 other nurses in the room one of which immediately mentioned a c-section. Then someone came up behind me and said “we need to give you oxygen, it’s for the baby” and then everything else was a blur. I was told later that the nurse was not monitoring things correctly and they lost the Audra’s heartbeat on the monitor and needed to find it asap since I was 17hours into labor. Now as if this wasn’t scary enough for a woman who isn’t sleep deprived, starving and has her wits about her, this was all happening during the worst contraction of my entire life. Then I muttered the word; epidural.

12:30am: After confirming with my midwife that this was the best course of action I said goodbye to my family while they input the epidural and was introduced to the anesthesiologist, Walter. Walter was a tall older man and a magician. The epidural magician and I would request him time and time again if I ever had to. While chatting with Walter I asked him if he knew what today was. “It’s January 8^th” he replied. “But do you know whose birthday is today? It’s Elvis’ Birthday (there is a inside story here to this fact but I’ll leave that part out). To which Walter replied “I was in the Army with Elvis” Ok seriously, is this not the coolest old man on Earth? He then proceeded to talk to me about how he and Elvis were in the same company but different units, how no one liked Elvis and thought he was a jerk, and how all the girls would peer over the fence just to get a glimpse of Elvis. After that I asked Walter about his wife and went on to tell me all about their marriage and how they raised their children. This man was amazing and I will never forget having him there in the room with me that day.

2am: I was fading in and out of epidural sleep when my midwife came in to check me. I had made it to 4cm. Go me!

8am: The switcharoo with midwives came and I was visited by the midwife whom I prefer, Mary who then checked me…7-8cm. now we're cooking!

At this point in time I don’t remember what happened when but thanks to the epidural I was able to get some sleep. I had been in labor for 24hours. Usually this is when a Dr. would talk about doing a C-section since my water had been broken for so long but my midwife is awesome. She explained that we were going to monitor her and wait a while longer. We would insert an internal fetal monitor and also add fluid back in so that Audra could float around and get into position better. After this I was able to take and nap.

This is when things started to get real. I woke from my nap and told Jonathan “you need to go tell the nurses right now that I have to poop”. So the nurse came in to check me and sure enough I made it to 9.5cm. She said that we would do some practice pushes to see if this would help really get things going. It did. Slowly the room filled with lots of equipment, my bed was raised, I was told that I would push lying down since I had the epidural which was ok with me.

Fast forward and before I know it my midwife is there and I’m pushing. My epidural had now worn off and I was feeling everything. It took me a bit but I eventually learned how they wanted me to push. I pushed for 1.5 hours before my last push pushed our daughter into this world. I will never forget that feeling of 1. Her coming out and 2. Looking down, seeing her come out and knowing I was done. 32 hours later and I was done. I was a mom. My daughter was here and she was healthy.

It was surreal. I was so exhausted that when we were skin to skin I felt I was going to loose it. I was either going to close my eyes and wake up from this dream, or I would close my eyes and pass out from exhaustion and fall right off the bed. I never fought so hard to stay awake in my life. The downside to this time was that I had torn pretty dang bad and they needed to call in the surgeon to stitch me up.

About 2 ½ hours later I was finally able to relax and eat food (it was cheeseburger day!) Family was informed and on their way to meet the newest member of the family and all I could focus on was sleep.

Our world changed on January 8, 2016. We became parents. We became forever responsible for this child. We became a family.

The Lord was with me during those 32 hours for sure. I look back and realize He was my strength when I had no strength. He kept Audra safe and dancing away in my womb until she was ready to come out. He knew exactly how everything was going to go and cannot even express how grateful I am for that. To God be all the glory!

We finally got to go home after 4 long days in that sterile room. Driving home that night in this year’s first wintery blizzard blast, crying and trying to not be terrified. I didn’t know how I would survive as a mom AND a wife. I will update again soon on Audra’s first week home. This world of motherhood is a wild wild ride!

My world. This picture makes me tear up every time. 

Week 39 Bumpdate

Week 39 folks. That is where we are at, can you believe it? I can't but I'm glad it's here. We are in the single digit (unless she is a week fashionably late) countdown. Single.Digit.Days man. My mind is boggled by this. We survived our holidays, our 3rd wedding anniversary and rang in the New Year respectively and now we anxiously await for Baby Girl to tell me "it's time, let's party!".

And the "party" is closer than I thought. I saw my midwife yesterday. She was asking about movement, contractions, leakage etc and for the last few months I've had the same answers to these questions. Well I decided that I would take the time and really ask her about this feeling I've had for a while now. "It's kind of like she is facing upward. Her knees are here and she is just pushing upward and it's hard to breathe" My midwife asks "and your stomach gets real hard?" "Yes" I reply. "Yep those are Braxton Hicks contractions." Then I admitted "oh man I've had them for almost 2 weeks now, I had no idea that's what they were!"

So for first time Momma's reading this I must inform you that (yes every pregnancy is different yadda yadda) Braxton Hicks contractions don't hurt. They feel to me exactly as I've described. I was expecting them to be just like real contractions all painful and crazy. I mean that's what Hollywood shows you that these fake contractions are so painful and whatnot that people mistake them for the real thing, only to be disappointed. Well I never ever thought of going into the hospital when these things hit. I simply thought baby Girl was laying weird for 30 seconds or so and would re-adjust. I was assuming she hadn't dropped as much as I thought, or maybe my pregnancy is different so on and so forth. But finding out that these feelings are practice for the real thing just calmed my heart. And since they are practice contractions they have been giving me said practice to practice breathing through them and relaxing my body. It seriously beats the tense up and "oh crap not another one!" feeling that doesn't help crap happen. Baby Girl is close to arriving and this just amps up the anxiety and excitement factor to like 200.

So let us get another bumpdate in while we still can eh?

39 Weeks

How far along: 39 weeks

Gender: Girl        

Weight gain: Let’s just say I’ve gained more than I originally planned. I blame this on my pregnancy app telling me “you won’t gain much weight from here on out but baby will continue to plump up.” Lies. So many lies. Although I still have a few moments here and there where I still don’t feel huge at all. It’s refreshing.

Maternity clothes: I can’t wait to stop wearing them…

Sleep: Something new happened last night. I woke up every hour, on the hour. Seriously. From 11:40pm until 4:40 am. It was a very very long night.

Best moment this week: I’ve gained/earned a couple stretch marks. I know women usually dread this and I did too but it’s a badge of honor in my mind at this point and I’m proud to admit it.
Worst moment this week:. Insomnia at 4am thinking about the fact that I need an infant insert for the car seat and fretting that the hospital won’t let us take her home until we have one. I’m headed to Target tomorrow to buy one…

Miss anything: I miss sitting, standing, rising, feeling like a lady. Funny but true 

Movement: Still moving but less these days. Saving up all that energy she’ll need to come into this world!
Cravings: Oranges. “Cuties” are my new best friend!

Queasy or sick: I had one night of really bad nausea. I’ve read could be a sign of early labor. Who knows, I’m just glad it didn’t last more than a few hours.

Anything making you queasy or sick: nope

Labor Signs: Still just pressure of her trying to get closer to the exit.

Looking forward to: The next chapter, all while trying to savor this last bits of this chapter while I can.

Belly Button in or out:  Out for the count
Wedding rings on or off? Off until she is out.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy and super anxious

So since we did not get a Christmas, Anniversary, or New Years Eve baby what's your guess as to when she will make her debut? Up until last night I felt like she would be a week late but since finding out I've been having fake contractions it's hitting me that she could seriously come any day now. Wow. This is real life.